Answers from 40+ years of clinical practice — on addiction, the relationship with your Self, and what it actually takes to connect.
The usual response to this question is that there is no way to truly know. Words like, when are like ‘why’ questions that are unanswerable. Who knows exactly when one becomes addicted? How long has someone been addicted before it becomes apparent that they are by virtue of their behavior and resultant problems? Common sense tells us to assume the addiction had been there before anyone noticed anything awry.
It’s certainly possible and is often the case that the addiction or relationship with the means of relief began the first time they got high or altered, via a substance or activity. The discovery of the mind/mood altering effect, that initial feel better feeling or rush of excitement proved extraordinarily gratifying and provided an irresistible escape. Unbeknownst to the person in their addiction, an irreversible relationship often forms at the point of discovery.
If there was a moment (of discovery) – a ‘when,’ my guess it was when you realize that you now, suddenly have the power to make yourself feel better, feel any way you’d like to feel, whether that is, “better than before,” or a burst of confidence or freedom, after feeling insecure, fearful and shut down most of the time and more connected when all of the time feeling disconnected, and only more disconnected than otherwise when carrying on an intense secret love affair.
However, with regards to several addictions, there isn’t a moment of discovery per se, but rather a period it takes while the relationship with the means of relief is forming. We know that people who get addicted were in a considerable amount of pain from unmet emotional needs and were seeking or desperate for anything that makes them feel better or relieves their pain, albeit temporarily, and are therefore predisposed to becoming dependent on the best means of relief they can find. The question to ask, is what was going on emotionally at the time when the relationship with the means of relief was forming.
I equate emotional withdrawal to the experience of “coming down,” which is when the feel better effect or high is wearing off, often leads to feeling worse or in more pain than you were in prior to using the means of relief. The backlog of pain increases over time, which is why the addict only becomes more addicted or dependent as the relationship progresses. While there is an experience of relief on the front end, there’s often a crash on the back end when “coming down,” which makes you once again, desperate for relief. So begins a vicious cycle.
Emotional withdrawal also refers to a state of perpetual insatiability that starts and continues using the means of relief, that is getting high, coming down, feeling worse than you did before getting altered and not know why, but, as a result becoming once again desperate for relief. Reality becomes a ‘less than’ experience – one’s problems and limitation become more pronounced; when you are subconsciously measuring how you feel when sober against how you feel when (high), without ever attributing your experience to the means of relief itself. When addicted, you have no idea that you are trapped in a cycle of perpetual insatiability (or in need of relief).
It’s probably every addict’s dream to one day be able to rendezvous with their secret lover without getting over-involved, recreationally or moderated manner. However, from TRMA perspective, this is not realistic or possible because the means of relief remains forever an irresistible need-gratifying agent regardless of how long they remain sober or abstinent, when they’re going through a heightened level of stress or turmoil, there’s a window when they’re susceptible and can be caught off guard.
However, here’s another caveat. If your recovery program is based on The Relationship Model of Addiction and you’re going through the Three Stages: I Breaking up; II Developing the Relationship with your Self; III Creating Nourishing Relationships, your primary relationship (with the means of relief) changes, when you begin developing the relationship with your Self. In nourishing relationships, there isn’t going to be a backlog of pain, no need or much less of a need, to relieve it, the addiction often vanquishes over time. “No longer an addict.” “Not in the throes of addiction.” “Not today.” “Not now.”
What’s true is that when our need for love or connection doesn’t get met, there is going to be pain. The greater the pain, the greater the need to relieve it, the more susceptible to becoming addiction to one means of relief or another. When we are getting those needs met, we live richer, fuller lives.
When you’ve gotten through the first two stages and into the third stage (Creating Emotionally Nourishing Relationships), your relationships will be providing nourishment; connection is the most powerful healing force I know of. Your view of life, relationships and priorities will change.
Co-dependency is indeed an addiction, a relationship with a means of relief – with another person. Like any other addiction, it’s a dependency-based relationship or an unmet need driven relationship.
Co-dependency is widely known to be driven by the need to be needed; thus, tending to care for others more than oneself, considering others ahead and above oneself, and always to their detriment; and in many ways similar to carrying on an all-consuming secret love affair.
The driving force of co-dependency is a deep sense of powerlessness, invisibility, worthlessness and fear of ending up alone. It’s not a rush of excitement the codependent is after as much as the feeling of being needed, making a difference, of doing something that deserves being loved and special.
The co-dependent’s recovery journey is largely about discovering Self, developing that relationship and going through a process of re-prioritization, that is learning to consider what’s best and true for you ahead of and above the other person on a consistent basis.
The 51-49% Factor refers to the optimal energetic balance in an intimate relationship. In every relationship, there are two relationships – one with Self and one with Other. It’s a “sweet spot,” that is what is optimal or ideal when in the womb space of co-creation, not a fixed number, it’s always fluctuating.
The numeric formula of a (relationship pie) (51 + 49% = 100%) suggests that in each of us, there is a finite amount of energy and attention available for co-creating and connecting, and that the total amount of energy of both relationships (with Self, with Other) = 100%.
Imagine a relationship pie, a circle with a line down the middle to signify the two relationships; 51% is on one side -the relationship with your Self as being the primary relationship and 49% on the other side as being the other secondary relationship.
In healthy, nourishing and intimate relationships, primary means that you always consider what’s in your best interests, what you’re needing and feeling - your truth – ahead of and above the other person. In unhealthier relationships, non-nourishing relationships, we generally see wider fluctuations away from optimal. Don’t be fooled by the word secondary, or by (49%) or be being “slightly less than half” or underestimate now much energy and attention that is.
Minimum grounding (51%) makes for the maximum amount of dynamic creative energy available for the other and for the process (49%), without the relationship with Self losing any ground.
Therein lies a formula for understanding what goes into the creation of healthy, intimate and nourishing relationships and a blueprint of the requisite conditions for the miracle of connection and intimacy to occur. It’s also the secret key to an ever-growing and deepening relationship.
Relationships are balancing acts, between staying separate yet connected, disengaged and engaged; having an experience and observing that experience at the same time; soaring above your experience, looking down upon it, being able to describe it, while you are having the experience. It’s the ultimate paradox, to be separate yet connected.
While the line down the middle of the relationship pie establishes that there are two separate people and two separate relationships, with their respective names, Me and You, that makes it clear, who’s who – Me here, You there.
This boundary between Me and You is also an implicit bond and sacred contract, a reminder to be mindful to treat each other as separate autonomous entities, as completely different in every way Selves. Ideally, there is a conscious and explicit understanding and alignment in purpose to embrace each other’s differences as the pathway to the deepest and most intimate connections.
Rapport is a precursor to intimacy; where there’s rapport, intimacy is right around the corner. Intimacy begins with and is the outgrowth of rapport.
The most reliable criteria for assessing your co-creative potential with this other person is the quality of rapport.
Rapport refers to the quality of engagement.
What is rapport? Define and describe.
Rapport is when two people are in rapt conversation, listening attentively, and responding freely and spontaneously, fully engaged and immersed in the sacred space of co-creation. There’s a warm, comfortable flow; a naturally unfolding process untainted by the wish for a desired outcome. The content of conversation tends to be less mundane or casual and more personal and emotionally charged than the common everyday conversation. Like connection, communication and conversation, rapport too, a co-creative process.
Assessing the quality of rapport… how connected did you feel? Look at the level of mutual interest and energy output, how honest and real you were with each other and most importantly, were you understanding and get where each other were coming from.
Understanding is the mountain top, the reward for your creative efforts and is a most powerful healing force I know of.
A “clean slate” state of mind is characterized by openness in the spirit of curiosity and discovery, being conscious and connected to your unfolding experience of the naturally unfolding process, having access and ability to express, be felt, heard, seen and understood. It’s being committed to the process and not be waylaid by other emotional need or agenda, from the beginning to the end of your time together.
The mindful practice here is being in a “clean slate” state of mind without getting attached to a desired outcome, or getting stuck at any part of the process, but stay the course until the transitional point, closure by comparing notes and thanking each other for the time you were co-creating together. And, that you don’t attribute the outcome to one of you or the other, as much as, to what you two created together.
Mindful Practice: Getting into a “clean slate” state of mind
Baseball is a good analogy. Imagine being a hitter stepping into the batter’s box in a “clean slate” state of mind, readying yourself by focusing your attention entirely on the next pitch, while screening out any residue of any previous at bats or be distracted by the pressure to hit a home run. The best “clean slaters” make the best hitters.
Isn’t this what we all want? Excitement and fireworks? Right? But hold on. Be careful what you wish for! The excitement spurs imagination, distorts your perception and your thoughts. You can delude yourself, make much more of the relationship than it is, be at risk of getting over-involved prematurely, acti impulsively and be heading for a disillusioning crash. There’s the tendency is to idealize each other, seeing each other through a distorted lens - only what you want to see and screen out what you don’t want to see.
The main challenges are, to juggle your excitement while keeping a watchful eye over your experience in the moment, contain your excitement, curb your enthusiasm and conserve your energy.
Effective handling of the challenges mutual attraction and interest always come down to having a relationship with your Self. When you have a relationship with your Self, you have access to your superpower of discernment. The mindful practice would be, discerning between your feelings and actions, between your imagination and reality.
Before we talk about whether there’s any correlation between ability to flirt and good chemistry, we need to have a working definition of what flirting is.
I understand flirting as sexualized communication that piques each other’s interest. It’s a way of teasing and turning each other on and feigning engagement by being playful but not in a vulnerable way but more permeating the atmosphere with sexual innuendo, that rides the wave of excitement.
Flirting is a means of seduction, whether its verbal or non-verbal, conscious or unconscious that requires little emotional risk or investment.
Flirting becomes problematic if you or the one you’re with don’t know that you’re flirting. If you don’t ascertain that you’re flirting, you’d be running the risk making much more out of the relationship with someone you do not know at all, save for how well you can flirt. But if you know when you’re flirting or being flirted with, you can ride on that excitement to propel you toward deeper connection and much more compelling conversation.
Additionally, I have not seen any evidence or indication that flirting or the ability to flirt leads to a quality and continuing rapport or makes for better relationship outcomes. There’s no correlation between ability to flirt and ability to have deep, meaningful relationship-enhancing conversations, and not corelated with the quality of the connection or chemistry independent of flirting.
I flirt and enjoy flirting when I get to flirt; those moments have become too few and far between. But what I enjoy even more is being flirted with, also moments even fewer and further between. Yes, they feel really good, energizing. But with all this said, flirting is nothing more than a blip on a screen, as insignificant as a fallen leaf.
Being in love is not a primary or reliable criteria to use when assessing a relationship because your perception gets distorted by idealization and blinds you to the other more reliable and primary criteria to use when assessing a relationship. All objectivity gone and all you see is what you imagine, in an altered state of excitement. You’re, in effect, high.
(Me and You Forever) Being in love” is an altered state of mind, a peak experience – exciting, intense, but temporary. You’re seeing and experiencing each other as you wish them to be, perched indefinitely on a pedestal. It’s a common pitfall to confuse being in love with love and intimacy.
NONE of the singles I ever with knew or cared about what a date actually is. Maybe it’s something that has to be taught. They started out with a strong desire to connect when they began swimming in an ocean of other relationship-challenged people in pursuit of connection but got eaten alive. They return as weary and discombobulated soldiers with a dimmer outlook on their relationship future, with clouds of ineptitude hovering in the sky. I saw them all going through the motions and becoming increasingly disconnected from themselves.
I saw the difference it makes when you understand what a date is, especially when you’re dating or on a date, and which enables you to enter the meeting with a gameplan and take a one date at a time approach. Every date is a whole unto itself. You’re in it for the process, not an outcome.
A date is an agreed upon time limited encounter, the purpose of which is to see how you feel being together and decide whether you want to get together again or not. But what’s not explicit, only implicit, is the idea of having the conversation to verbalize the verdict by comparing notes of their true experience, i.e. “yay or nay.” And then off to the next date; every date has life-changing potential.
See the difference it makes when you’re in a mindset and have a gameplan and you understand that when you’re dating and no matter how many dates you go on, rest assured that you will find yourself in any one of these four situations, four possible outcomes.
Challenges of taking a one date at a time approach, every date is a standalone.
Mindful Practice: To Not personalize the outcome or experience of any one date; entering in a “clean slate” state of mind and taking a one date at a time approach and see what comes from that.
When intimacy and sex become indistinguishable, when sexual intimacy is mistaken for emotional intimacy, there are going to be problems. When there isn’t a clear distinction between them, we might tend to delude ourselves into feeling closer, more connected than we are, and invariably crash in regret when reality strikes.
Like attraction, there is nothing mystical or magical about sex itself. We’re sexual beings. In many situations, sex and intimacy are strange bedfellows. Confusion spells doom, mistake one for the other, lose both.
The fact is that sex, and even great sex, do not translate to a deeper than sexual experience, real intimacy, emotional vulnerability and closeness, or to a great relationship. There’s little correlation between them. There is nothing inherently intimate about sex other that the physical act, being physically naked and the orgasmic rush of excitement.
When I ask, “Did you have sex?” and their answer, “Oh yeah. We were intimate.” or, “We made love. Wow!” When she was answering me, her face was aflush and glowing, a far cry from her face two days later, of not hearing back from him and realizing that it was nothing more than sex.
It’s also likely that seeing ourselves as strictly (sexual or physical) beings, void of our hearts, minds and spirits; feeling empty inside is beyond humbling, “Is this all there is?” “Is this what I’ve become?” and feeling badly about ourselves. Most people would prefer to see themselves as not being ruled purely by instinctual or libidinous impulses because in our culture mature adults are not supposed to act that way.
As a result, at those times when we are primarily interested in sex, not necessarily in a relationship, no less, an intimate relationship, we’re conscious and connected within ourselves, therefore, can’t admit to ourselves that it is sex we are after. So we have sex, but call it intimacy and are crushed to find out that it was nothing more than sex.
Contextual relationships are forged under unique and usually extreme conditions and challenges in which there is a lot at stake and must rely completely on each other and share the experience together. They are called contextual when never tried and proven in a real-life setting and they never translate the same way as relating to each other as regular people in the regular world.
Many people fall into the trap of automatically assuming their relationship would just continue, a ‘false positive’ that jeopardizes its future. They will not be prepared for the adjustments that have to be made and be able to co-create that connection and chemistry on their own in a real-life setting.
Understandably, many people who forged relationships under extreme conditions, on life and death mission together, having to rely on and trust each other unconditionally, may assume the relationship was greater than the context in which it was born, only to find out they were fish out of water.
The question remains, will they be able to recreate their magic in a natural, everyday setting, on their own?
Common examples of contextual-based attraction and intimacy are:
Whenever we’re attracted to someone, our perceptions, motivation, thoughts, feelings and behavior are profoundly affected. Whenever we’re attracted to someone, our bodies, emotions and imagination are operating simultaneously and synergistically.
Our bodies – From a purely biological standpoint, there is nothing mystical, magical or deep about attraction, or for that matter, sex as well.
Our emotions – Similarly, we are born with a wide spectrum of emotions and emotional needs. Our need for emotional nourishment is as, if not, more powerful than our physical and sexual needs.
Our imagination – Our imagination is as basic to the human condition as our physical and emotional needs. Imagination is a healthy and integral part of life. We rely on imagination to reduce stress and reduce frustration from unmet physical and emotional needs.
Sexual attraction occurs on both, conscious and unconscious levels, blends together our physical and emotional experience and is, real and imagined.
Few things are more tantalizing than beauty. I know for myself, from my experience, what I do and how my perception, behavior and experience are affected. Beauty has a blinding and intoxicating effect on me.
Oftentimes when I’m around someone I’d describe as beautiful, I find myself suddenly feeling more excited, alive, interested and liking the person more, before making any contact or knowing anything about them, riding on a mere visual projection, while also forgetting to consider finding more out about who they are on the inside or to be in a relationship with.
I see those I deem beautiful or worthy of exalted status through a lens of idealization and glorification of their beauty. I’ll make up stories about them as if I know them, that make them more desirable.
When you’re jettisoned on the surface of appearance or trapped by the mystique, you’ll never able to touch into the guts of each other’s experience, connection and intimacy will remain elusive, until those blinders are removed (by consciousness or mindful practice).
There is no correlation between how you or others appear on the outside, regardless of how beautiful they are, with substance or depth, the quality and sustainability of being in a relationship with them.
Our over-emphasis on beauty has far-reaching implications, as it leads to an over-valuation on the outer appearances and undervaluation on what’s going on inside of a person.
Individual therapy is $300 per 45-minute session. Couples and family therapy are $350 per 45-minute session. Addiction treatment is $350 and intervention consultation is $400 per 45-minute session.
Both. I see clients by Zoom statewide throughout California, and in person in Fallbrook, CA.
With a free 15-minute consultation. It costs nothing and commits you to nothing — it is a conversation to help you decide how best to proceed.