Answers from 40+ years of clinical practice — on addiction, the relationship with your Self, and what it actually takes to connect.
The usual response to this question is that there is no way to truly know. Words like, when, are like ‘why’ questions that are unanswerable. Who knows exactly when one becomes addicted? How long has someone been addicted before it becomes apparent that they are by virtue of their behavior and resultant problems. Common sense tells us to assume the addiction had been there before anyone noticed anything awry.
All of this said, I believe intuitively in a rough estimate of the answer to the ‘when’ question. It’s certainly possible, and is the case more times than not, the addiction (relationship) began the first time they got high or altered, via a substance or particular activity. The discovery of the mind/mood altering effect, that initial feel better feeling or rush of excitement proved extraordinarily gratifying or relieving and provided an irresistible escape or outlet that morphs into a full blown relationship based on secrecy, deceit, denial, delusion. Unbeknownst to the person in their addiction, an irreversible relationship is established at the point of discovery.
If there was a moment (of discovery) – a ‘when,’ my guess it was when you realize that you now, suddenly have the power to make yourself feel better, feel any way you’d like to feel, whether that is, “better than before,” or a burst of confidence or freedom, after feeling insecure, fearful and shut down most of the time and more connected when all of the time feeling disconnected, and only more disconnected than otherwise when carrying on an intense secret love affair.
However with regards to a number of addictions, there is a period of time, rather than a specific moment, usually when the level of (unconscious) pain for unmet needs is heightened, given the struggles (non-binary) is dealing with that makes them more susceptible the relationship with the means. The question to ask, is what was going on emotionally at the time when the relationship with the means of relief was forming.
As you get more involved in the relationship with the means of relief, you become less involved and able to be in any other relationships, which makes you even more malnourished than you were before you were involved. The backlog of pain actually increases over time, which is why the addict only becomes more addicted or dependent as the relationship progresses. While there is an experience of relief on the front end, it makes you feel worse in the long run (when the effect wears off and you are once again desperately seeking relief, only to feel worse again). So begins a vicious cycle.
While physical withdrawal is clear-cut and evident by physical symptoms and is treated with medication, emotional withdrawal is subjective in nature, but no less real, and becomes most apparent or painful, when coming down.
After coming down, no longer altered, a state of perpetual insatiability starts and continues. You’ll find yourself in a worse mood than you were before your (always temporary) escape or relief, and not know why. Reality becomes a ‘less than’ experience – one’s problems and limitation become more pronounced; when you are subconsciously measuring how you feel when sober against how you feel when (high), without ever attributing your experience to the source (or means) of relief, i.e. substance or activity. When addicted, you have no idea that you are trapped in a cycle of perpetual insatiability (or in need of relief).
I’ve written about this at length. Read the full article: Diagnosing Addiction: Identifying the Manifestations of Denial.
It’s probably every addict’s dream to one day be able to use a substance or engage in an activity recreationally or in a controlled manner. For many in recovery, forgetting that they are at permanent risk of relapse the moment they return to their addiction, that they will lose control. It’s easy to forget that regardless of how many years you’ve been sober or abstinent, you remain susceptible. One-time use means relapse. You’re either ‘in’ or you’re ‘out.’ The substance of activity will forever remain as an extraordinarily powerful need-gratifying agent that is guaranteed to provide relief.
However, there is a caveat. If your recovery program is based on The Relationship Model of Addiction™ and are going through the Three Stages (I Breaking-up; II Developing the Relationship with your Self; III Creating Nourishing Relationships), your relationship (with the means of relief) can change and morph into another whole different kind of relationship, whereby you might be able to visit (the means), enjoy it recreationally and experience as a natural part of your life and not be thinking about ‘the next time.’
My simplified vision of humanity is the basis for TRMA™. Us human beings have two basic needs, the need for love and the need to relieve pain (physical or emotional). If our need for love gets met, we live richer, fuller lives and our relationships will nourish our overall health and wellbeing. When our need for love does not get met, there is going to be pain, at which time our other basic need kicks in – the need to relieve pain. The greater the pain, the greater the need to relieve that pain will be. Addiction is a way of coping when our need for love does not get met. The need to relieve pain from unmet emotional needs is the underlying driving force of addiction (the needs as well as the pain, are unconscious).
When you’ve gotten through the first two stages and into the third stage (Creating Emotionally Nourishing Relationships), your relationship will be providing nourishment, you’ll be getting your need for love, connection and all the other ones met and will no longer be in pain or hunger but rather growing and thriving in the world. Your view of life, relationships and priorities will change. In this way, the addiction will extinguish itself.
I’ve written about this at length. Read the full article: Revisiting Stigma.
Co-dependency is indeed an addiction (to another person, with each other)– a dependency-based, unmet need driven relationship. Co-dependency is defined as the need to be needed, or taking care of another at one’s own expense or to one’s own detriment, or putting the other’s feelings, perceptions and needs above one’s own. As is the case with all other addictions, there are unconscious processes operating, objectivity is lost, judgment is impaired and a distorted view of the relationship.
The driving force of co-dependency is a deep sense of powerlessness, invisibility, worthlessness and fear of ending up alone. It’s not a rush of excitement the co-pendent is after as much as the feeling of being needed, making a difference, of doing something that deserves being loved and special.
The co-dependent is usually feeding or enabling the other one in the relationship and making it impossible for the other person to have a relationship with their Self, act as a separate, autonomous entity and to take care of themselves.
The co-dependent’s recovery journey is largely about discovering Self, developing that relationship and going through a process of re-prioritization in which you learn to consider your Self ahead of and above the other person before saying or doing anything. This is going through Stage II and into Stage III (training for creating mutually nourishing relationships).
Codependency Newsletters I II III IV V
I’ve written about this at length. Read the full article: Mastering the Art of Intervention.
In every relationship, there are two relationships – one with Self and one with Other. I have a relationship with my wife and a relationship with myself. I have a relationship with you and I have a relationship with me. The optimal energetic balance in an intimate relationship is when the relationship with Self is primary and the relationship with the Other is secondary. If you were airplanes on divergent paths you would have to decide whether to go up or down in elevation. Your primary loyalty is to yourself. In a healthy relationship, alway consider yourself first and above the other person.
In healthier relationships, the energetic balance generally hovers closer to the optimal and in unhealthier relationships, we generally see wider fluctuations away from optimal.
The numeric formula of a (relationship pie) (51 + 49% = 100%) suggests that in each of us, there is a finite amount of energy and attention available for co-creating and connecting, and that the total amount of energy of both relationships (with Self, with Other) = 100%.
The relationship with Self commands a little more than half of the total amount of energy reserved for the relationship with Self (51/100%) and a little less energy available for the other person and the co-creative process with Other (49/100%).
Minimum grounding (51%) makes for the maximum amount of dynamic creative energy available for the other and for the process (49%), without the relationship with Self losing any ground. Minimum grounding is what makes it possible to act as a separate autonomous entity, and bringing that maximum amount of dynamic creative energy into the womb space of co-creation, where intermingling of their unique essences occur and miracles happen.
Having a (primary) relationship with your Self is a prerequisite. Before you can connect deeply or create intimacy, you must have a relationship with your Self. You must be conscious and connected to your inner life.
And, both people having relationships with their Selves or being conscious and connected is a precondition before the miracles of connection and intimacy can occur. “You can’t connect with the other if you can’t connect with your Self.” (BB) The quality of relationships you can create with others is the quality of the relationship you have with your Self.
Therein lies a formula for understanding what goes into the creation of healthy, intimate and nourishing relationships and a blueprint of the requisite conditions for the miracle of connection and intimacy to occur. It’s also the secret key to an ever-growing and deepening relationship, staying separate yet connected. It’s the sweet spot where you want to be and how you want to conduct yourself in your primary relationships, so you can hover closer to the optimal energetic balance, that is when you are as deeply engaged and in sync as you could possibly be.
An intimate connection is always a balancing act between staying separate, yet connected; disengaged and engaged; having an experience and observing that experience at the same time; soaring above your experience, looking down upon it, being able to describe it, while you are having the experience. You’re always juggling both relationships at the same time. You have to be a whole, separate and autonomous Self before you can connect. It’s the ultimate paradox, to be separate yet connected.
What you want to be looking at the first time you meet someone and in all your other relating encounters is the quality of rapport. Intimacy is the outgrowth of rapport.
Rapport too, is a co-creative process. The dictionary definition of rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well.”
Rapport is when two people are in rapt conversation, listening attentively, and responding freely and spontaneously. There’s a warm, comfortable flow. It’s a naturally unfolding process untainted by the wish for how it turns out. The content of conversation tends to be less mundane or casual and more personal and emotionally charged than the average conversation.
When there is rapport, there is mutual interest, honesty and understanding.
A “clean slate of mind” is characterized by openness in the spirit of discovery, untainted by the wish for a desired outcome, or any other emotional need or agenda. It’s about being open, interested and engaged in a naturally unfolding co-creative process, from the beginning to the end of your time together.
The mindful practice here is being in a “clean slate” state of mind without getting attached to a desired outcome, or making any meaning out of the outcome, other than the outcome itself, of that one encounter. And, that you don’t attribute the outcome to one of you or the other, as much as, to what you two created together.
The mindful practice here is getting yourself into a “clean slate” state of mind and be ready to relate. Baseball is a good analogy. If you were a hitter, you’d want to be stepping into the batter’s box in “clean slate” state of mind, readying yourself for the next pitch, and unaffected by previous at bats, i.e. strikeout or by pressure to hit a home run. The “clean slaters” make the best hitters.
Whenever you’re relating or conversing you want to get yourself into a “clean slate” state of mind, ready to connect; be clear-headed and unaffected by any previous experience or desperation to make a connection. The “clean slaters” make the best connectors.
Isn’t this what we all want? To feel attracted and interested in each other? Excitement and fireworks. Right? But hold on. Be careful what you wish for! The excitement spurs imagination, distorts your perception, impairs your judgment, puts you at risk of acting impulsively.
The tendency is to idealize each other, seeing each other through a distorted lens, seeing only what you want to see and screen out what you don’t want to see. Imagination gets activated. You’re more susceptible to make up stories about the other person and the relationship you have or could have.
The main challenges are, to juggle your excitement while keeping a watchful eye over your experience in the moment, contain your excitement, curb your enthusiasm and conserve your energy.
Effective handling of the challenges mutual attraction and interest always comes down to having a relationship with your Self. When you have a relationship with your Self, you have access to your superpower of discernment. The mindful practice would be, discerning between your feelings and actions, between your imagination and reality.
Flirting is sexualized communication to pique each other’s interest. It’s a way of teasing and turning each other on and staying engaged. Flirting is a means of seduction, whether its verbal or non-verbal, conscious or unconscious that requires little emotional risk or investment. In fact, flirting is not correlated with a better outcome, nor does it reflect in any way, the quality of the connection.
a relationship? (Just you and me forever) “In love” is an altered state of mind, a peak experience – exciting, intense, but temporary. You’re seeing and experiencing each other through an idealized lens in a highly excited state.
They see each other as they wish each other to be, perched indefinitely on a pedestal. It’s a common pitfall to confuse being in love with love and intimacy.
Invariably, none of the singles I’ve worked with were ever (relationship) trained, nor ever considered relationship building as a co-creative process. Nor did they see relating, connecting, intimacy, and conversation as artforms in themselves, requiring training and practice. They just kept doing the same thing repeatedly, striking out every time, coming away with a dim outlook on their relationship future.
And there was a prevailing sense of ineptitude. No one really knew what they were doing, were going through the motions and never connecting with anyone. how to navigate their pursuit of connection in a sea of other relationship-challenged people looking for connection, without a game plan.
They may have had a general idea about what a ‘date’ was (meet someone new, hope you’re attracted, meet the one, hit the jackpot), but needed a working definition.
I spelled it out, “A date is a time limited encounter, during which you assess your experience to determine whether or not you want to get together again.” It's really a pre-date to see whether you want to date that person and you spend that time together assessing how you feel and quality of connection, to then decide and to then have a brief conversation, or at least verbalize the verdict. Close, move on and get ready for a fresh new encounter in a "clean slate" state of mind and with zero attachment to what happens.
Like attraction, there is nothing mystical or magical about sex itself. We’re sexual beings. Problems often arise when sexual intimacy is mistaken for emotional intimacy. When there isn’t a clear distinction between them, we tend to delude ourselves into feeling closer, more connected than we are, and invariably crash in regret when I find out we were wrong. .
The fact is that sex, and even great sex do not translate to real intimacy, emotional closeness, or a great relationship. There’s little correlation between them. There is nothing inherently intimate about sex other that the physical act and being physically naked, which is a far cry from what goes on the sacred space of co-creation.
Oftentimes, making sex the primary goal is a way of protecting ourselves from being vulnerable, when the nature of intimacy is vulnerability, which pops us out of our comfort zone. When feeling threatened or unsafe, focusing on sex works to dissipate those threats.
When I ask, “Did you have sex?” and their answer, “Oh yeah. We were intimate.” or, “We made love. Wow!” their faces glowing, before realizing that it was nothing more than sex. We live in a culture where the words, “being intimate” or “making love” and “having sex” have become interchangeable, leaving us wondering which were they referring to, a close connection or sex?
One explanation for this seeming confusion (not aware of being confused) is that when we’re physically naked, it might appear as if we’re intimate and vulnerable, while on an emotional level, there is no exposure or vulnerability. Mistaking (physical) nakedness with (emotional) nakedness also becomes problematic if the ‘nakedness’ for the same reason, if you’re only physically ‘nakedness’ and there is no emotional ‘nakedness,’ exposure, vulnerability, the relationship will lack necessary depth and substance to make a deep, intimate connection.
It’s also likely that seeing ourselves as strictly (sexual or physical) beings, void of our hearts, minds and spirits; feeling empty inside is beyond humbling, “Is this all there is?” “Is this what I’ve become?” and feeling badly about ourselves. Most people would prefer to see themselves as not being ruled purely by instinctual or libidinous impulses because in our culture mature adults are not supposed to act that way.
As a result, at those times when we are primarily interested in sex, not necessarily in a relationship, no less, an intimate relationship, we’re conscious and connected within ourselves, therefore, can’t admit to ourselves that it is sex we are after. So we have sex, but call it intimacy and are crushed to find out that it was nothing more than sex.
Contextual relationships are forged under unique conditions and circumstances or in an otherwise unnatural or real-life setting. Contextually based relationships are those in which they came together in a particular context, of shared experiences, challenges and purposes that progressed their relationship and deepened their connection.
As great as two people might feel being together, as comfortable, compatible, close, and connected as they might feel in the context-based relationship, it doesn’t necessarily translate that way when they’re relating in real, everyday life. Many people fall into the trap of getting a ‘false positive,’ and conclude that their connection and chemistry is so solid and secure, they will continue in “real life,” which, unbeknownst to them, jeopardizes its future. They will not be prepared for the adjustments that have to be made and co-create that connection and chemistry unaided by the context in which they thrived together.
It naturally follows that people who meet in such unnatural contexts will want to test their connection in a real live setting. The question remains, will they be able to recreate their magic in a natural, everyday setting on their own.
Common examples of contextual-based attraction and intimacy are:
Whenever we’re attracted to someone, our perceptions, motivation, thoughts, feelings and behavior are profoundly affected. Whenever we’re attracted to someone, our bodies, emotions and imagination are operating simultaneously and synergistically.
Our bodies – From a purely biological standpoint, there is nothing mystical, magical or deep about attraction, or for that matter, sex as well.
Our emotions – Similarly, we are born with a wide spectrum of emotions and emotional needs. Our need for emotional nourishment is as, if not, more powerful than our physical and sexual needs.
Our imagination – Our imagination is as basic to the human condition as our physical and emotional needs. Imagination is a healthy and integral part of life. We rely on imagination to reduce stress and reduce frustration from unmet physical and emotional needs.
Sexual attraction occurs on both, conscious and unconscious levels, blends together our physical and emotional experience and is, real and imagined.
Few things are more tantalizing than beauty, even more than attraction, what happens when we’re around people we consider to be beautiful, how our perception, behavior, and experience are affected. Beauty has a blinding effect.
I’m speaking from direct experience of what happens for me whenever I’m around someone I’d use the word beautiful to describe. Beauty is intoxicating. Suddenly I’m feeling a lot more attracted, interested, and liking person more, before making any contact or saying anything, riding on a mere visual projection.
I’m looking at those I find beautiful through a lens of idealization and glorification of their beauty, and virtually blind to everything else about them and everything else. I’ll make up stories about them as if I know them, that make them more desirable, without knowing them at all or having any direct contact, and which made me a lot more drawn to them than I would have been otherwise, on a collision course with reality, nevertheless.
I know that when you’re stuck on beauty like I am, you’re at risk of never getting beneath the surface, never being able to connect with that person in a deep and meaningful way, which is a grave disservice to yourself. When you’re jettisoned on the surface of appearance and never able to touch into the guts of each other’s experience, connection and intimacy will most likely continue to elude you, until those blinders are removed (by consciousness or mindful practice).
There is no correlation between how you or others appear on the outside, regardless of how beautiful they are, with substance or depth, the quality and sustainability of the relationship.
Our over-emphasis on beauty has far-reaching implications, as it leads to an over-valuation on the outer appearances and undervaluation on what’s going on inside of a person.
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