The Three Relationships in Every One Relationship

Three Relationships in One picks up where the 51%–49% Factor leaves off. The 51%–49% Factor is based on a me and you paradigm that applies to the two relationships existing within every one relationship: the relationship with Self, and the relationship with other.

Three relationships in one expands on that principle. We’re shifting from a me and you paradigm to a me, you, and us paradigm. In every one relationship, there are three relationships: the relationship with your Self, the relationship with the other person, and the relationship we have together:

1. The relationship with mySelf (me).
2. The relationship with your Self (you).
3. The relationship between me and you (us).

The primary objective is to first identify these three relationships and be able to distinguish between them. Once you understand which one’s which, when issues, conflicts, or problems arise, you can assess whose problem is whose — and then determine whose it is to fix.

Being responsible for your own Self-care means your blind spots and triggers, as well as the impact of your triggered behavior on others, are your responsibility. This requires Self-work and Self-care. You must have a relationship with your Self and be checking in all the time.

You’ll be able to assess and decide: Is this my issue for me to deal with, or your issue for you to deal with? If it’s yours or your partner’s, each takes responsibility for their own separate track — being mindful never to let individual issues contaminate the sacred us space. If it’s a relationship issue, then it’s for us to work through together.

I believe that the keys to keeping an ever-growing and deepening relationship are that both people remain mindful of the three relationships in one: the relationship with mySelf (me), the relationship with your Self (you), and the relationship we have together (us) — and that they keep the sacred us pure by being mindful not to let individual issues spill into and contaminate the space where they co-create their relationship.

Dustin and Bonnie

Dustin and Bonnie’s three-decade relationship is an example of what happens when there is no cognizance of the three relationships, and each person’s unresolved individual issues contaminate the sacred us space.

Bonnie harbored a backlog of rage toward her father for having rejected her, which invariably came out at Dustin. He regularly bore the brunt of her anger — endless innuendos that ascribed motives to his behavior, cementing her belief that whatever he did on his own, he was doing to get away from her.

Dustin, meanwhile, ran a deep pattern of codependency. His well-being and sense of Self-worth revolved around making Bonnie happy — something that was impossible to accomplish. He was cut off from the backlog of pain that had built up from having to take care of his mother, who was always on the brink of an emotional meltdown. He had learned to focus all of his attention on her, never on himself.

When he finally registered the miserable reality of how he felt: “I’m operating in a vacuum. There’s no connection, no camaraderie, no talking. I’m in a perpetual state of inertia, always walking on eggshells. I can’t go on like this.”

Both Dustin and Bonnie were unconsciously driven and disconnected within themselves, and therefore could never act as separate, autonomous Selves in their relationship. There was no me and you — and therefore, no us.

Rosy and Russell

Rosy was becoming increasingly upset about Russell’s porn habit, but avoided talking to him because she didn’t want to be controlling or drive him away. Russell didn’t see it as a problem — for him, it was a diversion that took the pressure off Rosy.

Through the therapy process, Rosy traced her feelings of hurt and insecurity back to an abusive boyfriend in high school who constantly cheated on her, and to her father’s infidelities, which led to her parents’ divorce when she was 10.

Now, when Rosy is triggered, she’s able to talk about her feelings and take responsibility for her reactions, so that they don’t spill into the us space. And Russell feels, for the first time, much safer speaking openly about his relationship with porn.

Recap

Three relationships in one relationship is a window into the interior — the invisible infrastructure of an ever-growing and deepening relationship. Both people must be conscious and connected enough within themselves to distinguish between the three relationships, identify whose problem is whose, and assign responsibility accordingly. The goal is always to stay mindful, intentional, and aligned in upholding this constitutional schema.