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The Womb Space Where Connection is Conceived
By Daniel A. Linder, MFT
Have you ever wondered what goes on in the womb where miracles happen? It's nothing less than a miracle when a fertile egg attaches to a fertile sperm, and boom — suddenly a newborn human being is on the way. The odds of that happening are what make it a miracle when conception of a connection occurs in the womb space of co-creation, where "unique essences intermingle."
Understanding some basic principles will no doubt increase your chances of creating the miracle of connection for yourself.
Being conscious and connected is what makes rapport-building, unconditional interest, a clean-slate state of mind, and sharing your essence possible. When you have a relationship with your Self, your wellbeing is internally based — not riding on someone external to validate your worth.
How can you get to know me if I can't accurately represent myself? How can I be intimate with you when I'm not with myself?
When you have a relationship with your Self, you have an internal guidance system that is up and running — alerting you when in danger and guiding you to heed with action.
For the miracle of connection to be possible, both people must be bringing their full essences to the encounter. In the Vesica Piscis image, the Us space represents conception, where two juicy essences intermingle. There is Me on one side and You on the other — two separate Selves, like an egg and a sperm. They come together and boom — a miracle occurs, and an Us is born.
The secret to keeping your essence juicy is being conscious and connected to your experience, having immediate access to it when engaged in the process. The substance of your essence is your pure experience — but you must be dialed in and fully engaged.
Being in a clean-slate state of mind means being in the moment, open to a naturally unfolding co-creative process without reacting or trying to push the conversation one way or another. Your juicy essence gets juicier when you're able to share your experience as the conversation unfolds.
Clean slate also connotes unconditional interest — the excitement of not knowing what's going to happen until it happens. You're eager to engage and see what you can co-create together. Maybe a miracle? Each exchange is a standalone — a whole new play is about to unfold.
A clean slate means putting whatever is going on in your head aside. It dramatically reduces the extent to which preconceived notions, emotional baggage, and inaccurate interpretations poison the well.
Rapport occurs when two people are entranced in conversation — listening attentively and responding spontaneously, immersed in a naturally unfolding process, untainted by the wish for a desired outcome.
Three components characterize rapport: interest, honesty, and understanding. Where there is rapport, you're on the cusp of intimacy.
Interest comes in two types. Unconditional interest is being in it for the adventure, untainted by any personal agenda. Conditional interest is personal — wanting to get closer, spend more time together. When both people are unconditionally interested in the process, it's more likely they'll become personally interested in each other.
Honesty is being congruent — saying what you feel and feeling the words that come out of your mouth. When two people are being honest and real, they're building trust. When honesty is missing from the foundation, the relationship becomes a house of cards.
Understanding is the bridge between disconnection and connection. When our need for understanding gets met, we feel closer, more connected, and alive.
How did you feel being together? Were you "feeling it" or "not feeling it?"
The most reliable criteria to use when trying to answer those questions are the existence of the ingredients of rapport: Interest, Honesty, and Understanding.
Relating, connecting, and conversation are art forms. The same four skills apply whether you're meeting someone for the first time or deepening a long-term relationship: Self-Awareness, Self-Disclosure, Asking Questions, and Listening.
Self-Awareness gives you direct access to your experience and makes it possible to represent yourself authentically. When self-awareness is heightened, you're more fertile, juicier, more attractive and magnetic. When it's limited, you won't be able to carry on a conversation of any depth.
Self-Disclosure is how you get to know each other deeply. The more willing you are to self-disclose, the more likely the other person will engage and connect. If you don't feel safe enough to take emotional risks and get below the surface, "ain't shit going to happen."
Listening — "Listen with the same passion with which you want to be heard." When you are truly listening, a nonverbal groundswell of felt energy builds. Listening is loving. Listening is understanding. The cleaner your slate, the better you will listen.
Asking Questions is the lost child of the four essential skills. Don't underestimate the game-changing power of good questions. It feels like pulling the covers off a blind spot and shining a light where there was age-old darkness. The better question-asker you are, the better generator of rapport you'll become.
It doesn't matter what you've been through in your life, what your experiences in relationships have been like, or how bleak your future relationships may seem to be — you can always learn, change, and grow. Self-work combined with knowhow ignites creativity and empowers the transformation of your life and all your relationships. You can make the miracle of connection happen for yourself! Yes. You can do this.
Daniel A. Linder is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, a Self and Relationships-based therapist and Addiction specialist with more than four decades of experience with individuals, couples and families.