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Every Date Leads to One of These Scenarios
By Daniel A. Linder, MFT
Before we get into the four basic dating scenarios and the challenges they pose, we must have a consensual understanding of what a date is. Most of the people I know who are dating and are in pursuit of connection are not in a state of mind that lends itself to co-creating a connection. They're hoping to hit the jackpot — an instantaneous connection. Many have become disillusioned and deflated, having so little to show for their futile efforts, with nothing meaningful or worthwhile ever happening. It's like their dates are over before they even begin and become missed opportunities. And this is because they've never been trained in the art of dating and don't understand what they're supposed to be doing when they're dating, and the first time they meet someone.
A date is when two people plan to meet and spend an agreed-upon time together to check each other out, see how they feel being together, and at the end of which decide whether they would like to get together again or not — and hopefully have a conversation about it.
Ideally, both people agree on the plan, or make a "dating contract," before entering the space of co-creation. But this is far more the exception than the rule, given that all their communication exchanges are occurring on text when they're on the run, and they're distracted when they're together, just going through the motions.
To get yourself fit and ready to date, it's up to you to have a working definition of what a date is so that you can adhere to and operate within those specific parameters. Once you get what a date is, understand and prepare for the four basic dating scenarios and the challenges they pose.
There are only four basic scenarios that can happen the first time you meet someone. I want to objectify and simplify the process so you don't fall into the trap of entering the space of co-creation with your wellbeing and self-worth riding on a desired outcome.
There is no doubt that you will find yourself in all four situations at some point on your journey, which is what makes dating an ideal training ground for the rigors of an intimate relationship. The challenges these basic dating scenarios pose are virtually the same challenges you'll face down the road during any intimate relationship.
Whenever you feel an attraction, a rush of excitement runs through your body, altering your mind and mood. It distorts perception and spurs your imagination to run wild. Idealization occurs. It's so easy to get disconnected, lose objectivity, and be unable to effectively assess your experience and make healthy decisions. You become more prone to act impulsively.
The challenges mutual attraction/interest poses are:
Fear of rejection is what keeps most of us from going after what we want. Fear makes us defend or protect ourselves, distort our perception, lose objectivity, and personalize outcomes. All of these fear reactions make it impossible to fully engage in the process, allow the process to unfold naturally and organically, and be able to respond freely and spontaneously — that is, be yourself.
You will not be able to adequately prepare yourself for the challenges in this situation if your wellbeing and sense of self-worth or positive self-feelings are in any way tied up with any one particular outcome. The clean-slate state of mind applies here — being open and operating in the spirit of discovery, neutrality, and objectivity. Whatever happens, it's just part of the game and has nothing to do with you. When it's over, clean your slate and get ready for another whole new encounter.
The main challenges this scenario poses are:
When the other person is attracted/interested and you are not, the challenge is, again, to be mindful not to personalize the outcome. Your experience, your truth, is what it is. It is nothing personal about the other person, as much as what you created together. It does not reflect on you, nor should it affect you one way or another.
When there is mutual disinterest and neither person wants to be around each other anymore, the challenge is to avoid personalizing the experience — or coming away demoralized, disillusioned, or deflated. Rather, get yourself ready for your next encounter in a clean-slate state of mind.
What most singles fail to realize is that when it comes to meeting new people, there's a lot more than meets the eye. Dating is an art that requires a lot of practice and a level of proficiency in essential communication skills. Dating is an ideal training ground that provides endless opportunities to practice handling the four basic dating scenarios and to meet someone with whom you can connect.
Dating affords you experience you can draw on when facing what are virtually the same challenges that occur in later stages of relationships. For instance, when you're dating, you'll have to deal with difficult feelings, conflicts, and differences. If you deal with them effectively the first time you meet someone, chances are you'll deal with them effectively when there is a relationship established — when it's actually more difficult, because more is at stake than meeting someone one time and never seeing them again.
Another benefit of dating is embracing an opportunistic philosophy — looking at each and every encounter as a relating opportunity unto itself. There must be a fire in your belly, a hunger that readies you to seize the opportunity when one presents itself.
Daniel A. Linder is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, a Self and Relationships-based therapist and Addiction specialist with more than four decades of experience with individuals, couples and families.