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The Optimal Energetic Balance in an Intimate Relationship
By Daniel A. Linder, MFT
In every relationship, there are two relationships — one with Self and one with Other — and the relationship with Self is always primary, while the relationship with Other is always secondary.
Imagine a relationship pie with a line down the middle dividing it into two halves: the relationship with Self on one side — the slightly larger piece, 51% of the pie, that is primary — while the relationship with Other is the slightly smaller 49%, holding secondary status.
The pictorial of a relationship pie, as well as the numeric formula (51-49%, totaling 100%), is based on the psychoanalytic, Freudian, mechanistic view of humankind, which presumes that we have a finite amount of creative energy for living our lives and being in relationships.
The optimal energetic balance occurs when both people are entering the space of co-creation having established primary relationships with their Selves — which leaves both people with the maximum amount of juicy and creative energy available to engage with each other.
Remember also that optimal is an absolute number, and that the energetic balance is always fluctuating depending on how conscious and connected both people are, and how solid and stable each person's relationship with their Self is.
The dividing line down the middle of the pie also serves as an invisible boundary that identifies and locates who's who ("me" here, "you" there) and becomes visible and palpable in the eye of consciousness.
What does having a primary relationship with your Self mean? Both people must be conscious and connected to their inner experience — their thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, their gold — and able to tap into it when in the womb space of co-creation.
Having a primary relationship with your Self is a prerequisite and precondition for a deep connection or intimacy to occur. You can't connect when you're not connected within yourself.
When you're not connected, there'll be nothing there to get to know or connect with — no juicy essence. Chances are, you won't be fertile enough to connect.
When you have a relationship with your Self, your wellbeing and self-worth will be internally based, which stays constant regardless of how the encounter or relationship goes.
When you don't have a primary relationship with your Self, chances are that your wellbeing and self-feelings are externally based. It becomes much harder to connect when your wellbeing depends on what the other person says or does.
The 51-49% Factor is a mindful practice — keeping it on your conscious radar to reserve at least 51% of your energy and attention on and for yourself.
It's an art to always be striving towards what you know to be "optimal." It's always a balancing act to stay solidly grounded in yourself while remaining fully and maximally engaged with the other person in a co-creative process.
It's the "sweet spot," something to shoot for. And when you do, you're going to be more connectable and magnetic, more creative. You're going to make more and deeper connections, and create more nourishing and intimate relationships.
Daniel A. Linder is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, a Self and Relationships-based therapist and Addiction specialist with more than four decades of experience with individuals, couples and families.