TRMA Applied to Codependency

Understanding Codependency as an Addiction

One of the latest developments in the field of addiction is the Relationship Model of Addiction™ (TRMA™). The prevailing approach to addiction for the past 75 years has been a medical- or disease-based model.

When the American Medical Association established that alcoholism qualified as a disease — a "pathological dependence," only objective criteria applied, only genetic, biochemical, and behavioral factors were considered. Subjective criteria (emotional, psychological and relationship factors) were virtually ignored.

TRMA defined addiction as a relationship (not a disease) with a means of relief from the pain of unmet emotional needs or lack of nourishment. Alcoholism (and addiction) is defined as a "pathological relationship" as opposed to a "pathological dependence," and focuses primarily on the mental, emotional, psychological, and relational aspects. It is the need to relieve that pain that drives the addiction; the greater the pain, the greater the need to relieve that pain.

What distinguishes codependency from substance and process addictions (to gambling, porn, or sex) is that the codependent gets emotionally involved or "hooked" on other people, which greatly complicates things, when communication exchanges are emotionally charged and multi-layered.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before yourself, and caring more about their needs than your own. Suppression and disconnect from one's feelings is how we cope, protect, and defend ourselves when growing up in an environment void of nurturing and where it was unsafe to be vulnerable or to express feelings.

A codependent relationship is a highly imbalanced one. The focus is on the other person, not on oneself, and comes at the expense of oneself. Codependents often find themselves depending on others who fail to provide very little, if any, emotional nourishment, who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves.

Codependents' behavior often occurs in the guise of caring or loving. Codependents are known to put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately "needing to be needed," to feel important and that they matter. The other person becomes the codependent's raison d'être, or life's purpose.

Denial makes it impossible for the codependent person to be conscious of his/her feelings of shame and worthlessness which are rooted at the core of their motivation. As is the case with other addictions, the emotional holes codependents are trying to fill only get bigger as they exhaust themselves in the process. Their hunger becomes internalized — "I am a failure." "I am worthless." "I am unlovable." "I don't matter."

Are You Codependent?

Self-Assessment Questionnaire:

• Do you hide your feelings?
• Do you feel "never good enough"?
• Do you blame yourself for others' problems?
• Do you put more effort into the relationship than your partner?
• Do you believe a bad relationship is better than none?
• Is it hard to say "no"?
• Do you avoid confrontation?
• Do you feel helpless or trapped?
• Are you preoccupied with your partner's problems?
• Do you make excuses for your partner?
• Does embarrassment make you avoid others?
• Do you make empty threats to leave?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, consider the possibility that you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. While codependent behavior may be deep-seated and longstanding, understanding codependency as an addiction and recognizing one's own tendencies is the first step on the path of recovery.

How Does the Codependent Break the Cycle?

If conscious of them at all, the codependent's own needs, wants and feelings are way down on his or her list of priorities and considerations. It follows then that recovery is a process of reprioritization — learning to consider one's own needs, wants and feelings first, before deciding on a course of action. "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?"

A shift must occur from the source of well-being occurring outside of oneself, to depending on oneself as a source of nourishment and to create well-being from within. Tapping into the power within, the self as an inner sanctuary and refuge, can be viewed as spiritual components of recovery. One discovers the abundant source of resources that reside within — a voice of wisdom and truth, where there is purpose and potential and a decision-making agency.

Change and transformation, and the process of reprioritization begin with self-awareness. Becoming mindful during the course of day-to-day life means being more self-aware, and aware in general more of the time.

The Most Important Relationship

In a brief passage from her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes a moment of realization about her relationship with herself:

This passage shows that in the depths of loneliness and despair there is self-empowerment. Despite a history of relationships that fail to provide adequate emotional nourishment and a deeply engrained pattern of using relationships to compensate for what's missing, self-awareness along with understanding some basic relationship-building principles are enough to overcome all hurdles.