The four cornerstones of an intimate relationship are imbued qualities that solidify the structure that bonds people together. Usually, in healthy, functional, and nourishing relationships, all four cornerstones are firmly in place and are palpable experiences.
To build and maintain a relationship in which the four cornerstones are firmly in place, both people need to be conscious, intentional, and connected within themselves. They must have had an experience of what each of the four cornerstones and their opposites feels like including respect/disrespect, trust/mistrust, acceptance (unconditional and conditional), and understanding/misunderstanding.
These cornerstones are basic. They are the bare minimum criteria for any relationship to be considered healthy, functional, nourishing, and foundational. They become the air the relationship breathes.
Respect
Respect means holding someone in high regard and treating their thoughts and feelings as equally important and valid as yours. Respect comes from an underlying belief, perhaps a universal truth, that we are all inherently worthy and deserving of a baseline of regard.
Impersonal or unconditional respect manifests in your consistency in treating all people equally regardless of whether you've just met them or how much time you spent together, how well you know each other, or how connected and intimate you are in the relationship. It's giving everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are inherently deserving of respect as human beings. Unconditional respect is upheld and maintained through conflict, discord, and heightened emotions like anger, resentment, or hurt.
Personal respect has more to do with the respect that builds over time, as you get to know each other more deeply and intimately. You'll tend to build respect for what you learned about them, what they've been through, what they've done, what makes them tick and what's going on inside of them.
Trust
Trust differs from respect in that it's based on experience and is conditional. Trust is not a baseline expectation in a relationship or should ever be considered a given. Trust must be earned, demonstrated, tried, and proven.
Trust doesn't occur in a vacuum. You build trust over time and experience, as you take emotional risks, open up, share more of your experience, be more vulnerable, and see how the other person responds to you and how you feel about how they responded to you.
Honesty and responsible action are precursors to trust. Trust comes in different forms: the trust not to betray your confidence, the trust that the other will do what they say, and the trust of dependability — can you count on each other to show up physically and emotionally when you need support and love?
In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes how vulnerability and trust link together. "Vulnerability is based on mutuality and trust," she writes. Being vulnerable is an integral part of the trust-building process. We build trust when we speak truthfully about what we feel and need and give our partner the space to do the same.
Acceptance
Unconditional acceptance means embracing and celebrating ourselves as the mixed bags we all are, our inherent value and unique essence. The mixed-bag state of mind is one of humility. When you're able to look at and accept your Self as you are, the whole kit and caboodle, you'll be able to look at and embrace each other unconditionally, despite your differences.
Unconditional acceptance is the secret sauce for an atmosphere of safety, being vulnerable, and responding freely and naturally. It allows you to be more engaged and to fully be your Self, just as you are, warts and all, and makes it safer and more inviting for the other person to be fully engaged and themselves with you.
In contrast, conditional acceptance means embracing only the positive or desirable qualities and behaviors, while relegating anything negative to barely audible background noise. Conditional acceptance takes an outside-in approach — based on valuing the outside of someone as more valuable than the inside.
Understanding
We need connection, love, and understanding to grow and thrive in our lives and relationships. Being in touch with those needs is what drives our pursuit of connection. When our basic emotional needs are not being met, our connective and creative juices can't flow naturally or be dynamic enough to conceive a connection.
Being understood may be what I need the most in life and relationships. My well-being and sense of Self-worth are tied up with whether I feel understood. I feel closer and more connected in my relationships and feel better about myself, am more upbeat and brighter when I'm understood. I feel seen, heard, felt, cared for, and nourished.
In contrast, when I'm not feeling understood or am misunderstood, I hurt. I lose air, shut down, go away, check out, disengage. And there is no nourishment to be had.
Recap
For a relationship to be healthy, nourishing, and intimate, the four cornerstones must be firmly in place. You must learn to respect, trust, unconditionally accept, and communicate well enough to understand each other for the relationship to continue growing and deepening over time. The four cornerstones solidify the structure that bonds people together.
All four cornerstones are stand-alone and necessary in a meaningful relationship. These cornerstones should be applied to the Self before they can be integrated into a meaningful relationship. But learning to respect, trust, accept, and understand your Self takes grace and practice. Once you can master these cornerstones within the relationship you nurture with your Self, you will be ready to apply them to your relationship. Without them, the relationship will not stand the test of time.