Free Relationship Help and Training Resource - Relationship Vision - Empowering the ...

Can it Really be this Simple? Video #2 Emotional Manifesting

Taye B. Corby — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 21:20:33 +800

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RelationshipVision has released another great video from Christian...

This new video is a real eye opener, revealing the biggest reason why we self-

sabotage and how to stop it.

It was just released this morning by Dr Christian Pankhurst and here's what it's�

about:�

1. How to connect to your energetic and emotional power so the Law of�

� � Attraction works for you.

2. Discover why we defend against receiving too much of the good stuff and

� � what you can do about it.

3. Are you a 'me' or a 'we' spacer? Find out how this insight can transform your

� � relationships.

4. Mastering your emotions. Say goodbye to anxiety, worry and doubt.

...And more.�

It's 100% content and the people watching this video series are saying it's�

some of the best information available about manifesting effectively.�

I give it my highest possible recommendation and urge you to go here and�

watch it right now:�

Enjoy :-)�

Taye
P.S. Did I mention this is free? �This is better than most stuff people charge money�

for. Have a look and see for yourself.

Would you like to collaborate with us?

�

"It's Not What You Think....It's What You Feel..."

Taye B. Corby — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +800

RelationshipVision is pleased to announce a collaboration with Embracing Change.�

Christian Pankhurst, the President of Embracing Change will be offering his home study program to us:

"It's not what you think,�...it's what you feel."

If you have ever felt stuck in a rut or really wanted to make changes in�your life but struggled to make those changes stick, then�go watch this great video now.

In fact, it's not just about breaking 'bad' habits, it's about how to live life from�your heart.�Normally you'd have to pay for this kind of information, but for a limited time�Christian is going to give it to you for free, available immediately.�

You just need to signup on his website so he can send you the other�videos in the series - you won't want to miss them!

This really is very powerful stuff that goes way beyond grand theories and�concepts and actually gets into the nitty gritty of application so you'll�actually get�great benefit right from the very first video.�

Warm regards,

Taye

P.S. �Don't be surprised if you go back for more and decide to�watch it a�

second�time.

Would you like to collaborate with us?

Daniel Linder, MFT

Taye B. Corby, Co-founder

http://RelationshipVision.com

�

Recovering From Codependency (V)

Daniel Linder — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 01:00:00 +800

Just like an addict whose world revolves alcohol, sex or gambling, whatever substance or activity, the codependent's world revolves around other people. Codependency can be defined as a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before oneself, caring more about others' needs than one's own (The Relationship Model of Addiction). Codependents are driven by unconscious unmet emotional needs, and use relationships to fill emotional holes. Their sense of self-worth hinges on the effect they believe they are having on others. In their minds, they are caring and loving. In actuality, they are 'saving' or 'rescuing,' which contributes to a worsening of the situation. Denial serves as an elaborate system of defense and protection of the codependents modus operandi in relationships. This makes it impossible for codependents to objectively and realistically assess their own level of involvement, the effect of their involvement, or that they can not extricate themselves from the relationship. They can't stop themselves from "going down with the ship."

How does the codependent break the cycle?

If conscious of them at all, the codependent's own needs, wants and feelings are way down on his or her list of priorities and considerations. It follows then that recovery is a process of reprioritization - learning to consider one's own needs, wants and feelings first, before deciding on a course of action. "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?" How the codependent operates in relationships changes to considering his or her needs, wants and feelings as much as, if not, more than the other person's. A shift occurs from always focusing on the other person to an awareness of, "What am I getting out this relationship?" and acting on one's own interests. In effect, the codependent develops a relationship with him or herself.��

A shift must occur from the source of well-being occurring outside of oneself, to depending on oneself as a source of nourishment and to create well-being from within. Tapping into the power within, the self as an inner sanctuary and refuge, can be viewed as spiritual components of recovery. One discovers the abundant source of resources that reside within - a voice of wisdom and truth, where there is purpose and potential and a decision-making agency.�

Change and transformation, and the process of reprioritization begin with self-awareness.

Becoming mindful during the course of day-to-day life means being more self-aware, and aware in general more of the time, In other words, mindfulness can be thought of as a state of both detachment and connectedness. Jon Kabat-Zinn described mindfulness as "not defining yourself by thought content or emotional reactivity," and as "an open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is happening, both internally and externally at any given time."

When one is mindful, the separation between self and other is more clearly defined. The focus is on the unfolding interaction in the here and now. When mindful, one can be more present and able to represent yourself, express your own needs, wants and feelings. Self-awareness is the precursor to taking responsibility for caring and providing for yourself.

The most important relationship...

In a brief passage from her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes a moment of realization about her relationship with herself...

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up all night long, I will stay with you...There is nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die and after your death, I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

This passage shows that in the depths of loneliness and despair there is self-empowerment. Despite a history of relationships that fail to provide adequate emotional nourishment and deeply engrained pattern of using relationships to compensate for what's missing; self-awareness along with understanding some basic relationship building principles are enough to overcome all hurdles.�

While we may embrace the adage, "The quality of one's relationships is the quality of one's life," we don't want to lose sight of the most important relationship - your relationship with yourself.

What is RelationshipVision?

Daniel Linder — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 10:00:12 +800

�

RelationshipVision� is an online relationship training resource intended to serve as a source of invaluable information about creating emotionally nourishing relationships.

Whether single or in a relationship, in recovery from addiction or simply in pursuit of better relationships, a helping professional or student, RelationshipVision is the number one place to go for guidance and psycho-education regarding basic principles and skills building.

Answers to frequently asked questions, i.e. What is sexual attraction? What is intimacy? How does intimacy happen? Do basic principles apply? What are the necessary skills? Relevant articles, interactional advice and access to free introductory eTraining will be posted.

We also list numerous books and services including psychotherapy, coaching and consulting; workshops and continuing education courses that are available for purchase. To navigate the site, please our home page: http://relationshipvision.com or ask your question: http://relationshipvision.com/ask-question

Thank you for your visit,

Daniel

�

How would I deal with cocaine withdrawals without going to a rehab center?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +800

Unlike a number of other commonly abused substances, i.e. alcohol, benzo-diazapines, cocaine and methamphetamine are not drugs which pose any� significant (physical) withdrawal risks. However, that being said, a medical screening would be recommended routinely for those seeking treatment for cocaine or methamphetamine addiction to rule out damaging effect those toxic substance could have on the body, risk of damage to the body increases according to the amount consumed. While cocaine or meth do not pose any major medical risks, one can expect there to be significant withdrawal effects nevertheless, which can be described as the experience of being 'burned out' or 'crashed out,' physically and emotionally, i.e. exhausted, drained, fatigued, depressed. A medical detox from these drugs will not be necessary. Those seeking treatment or rehab could go directly into treatment without having to detox.��

Addiction Treatment Resources

addictionsearch.com

Can I get addicted and not even try, but just taking the meds my doctor told me to take?

Daniel Linder — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +800

Interesting choice of� words in your question...'Just taking the meds my doctor told me to" is a passive approach to your self-care. I'm assuming the meds you are referring to are on the order of pain meds and were prescribed in an effort to relieve pain. If your intent in seeing your doctor in the first place had nothing to do with wanting to get high or seeking relief from emotional pain, you would not be considered to be at risk of becoming addicted. Presumably you would stop taking them when the conditions causing the pain is remedied or when the pain subsides to tolerable levels. On the other hand, If you find yourself continuing to take them because you prefer the way they make you feel, you would likely be at risk for becoming addicted. If you find yourself taking increasing amounts of anasthetic meds (usually opiates), you're likely on your way to becoming addicted. If there is a history of addiction, the risk increases as well. The people who are at risk of becoming addicted are those with the pre-disposing condition of a relatively high amount of pent-up pain (from unmet emotional needs), and are therefore (desperately) seeking relief. Additionally, whenever there is a dependence (emotional and often physical) that develops, there is denial, which makes it impossible for the person who has become addicted to know he or she is addicted. People generally don't become addicted randomly, when "they are not trying" to do so.

All in all though, your question serves as a reminder to educate yourself as best you can when ever it comes to your health and well-being.

Identifying Common Tendencies and Characteristics of Codependency (continued) (IV)

Daniel Linder — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +800

Another running theme of codependency is the individual's inability to set and maintain clear boundaries and the lack of clearly established boundaries in their family of origin relationships. The blurring of boundaries between self and other, me and you, is often the key factor distinguishing dysfunctional relationships from healthy ones.

Codependent relationships are merged ones. Relationships are need-based and are a means of filling emotional holes. A codependent's well being rests in the hands of the other person. The source of emotional sustenance is externalized -- outside of themselves. The other person becomes the codependent's 'raison d'�tre, or life's purpose. Codependents often put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately needing to be needed, to feel important, and that they matter.

In a previous newsletter, I posed the question, Are you preoccupied with your partner's addiction or other problems? (Are you codependent?) This question points to the kinds of things that happen when there is a lack of clearly established boundaries. We know that codependents often find themselves depending on others who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves. In the guise of caring, the codependent bears the burden of responsibility for problems that are not his or hers to fix. "If you love someone, that's what you do!"�

The relationship between a codependent and drug addict is a case in point. The codependent can not distinguish between whose problem is whose, and who is ultimately responsible to address it. Unaware of attributing the cause of the problem to him or herself, the codependent will get over-involved and exhausted by relentless efforts to 'help.' Denial blinds them to the fact their enabling only makes the situation worse and that feelings of self-doubt, shame and inadequacy, are rising insidiously.

I worked with a patient who made sure his wife attended her treatment sessions by transporting her to every one. In so

doing, he kept her from being responsible for getting to them on her own. As a result, her commitment to get the help she needed was never established. He was afraid of the possibility that she wasn't going to get herself there, which, as it turns out, was the case. He was driven by his need to see himself as a loyal and loving person who was going to be there for her when she needed him most.�� In his mind, he was trying to save their relationship, as if he could do it all by himself.

During the course of therapy, he began to understand his relationship was a 'merged one.' He was relating to her as if she was an extension of himself, not as a person in her own right. He was basically having a relationship with himself. The relationship served as a means of relief. He was so desperate to� fill emotional holes, he lost sight of whose problems were whose to fix. He also began to understand how to take care of himself, and to tap the abundant resources deep within himself, and become able to act in his own best interests. After several months, he realized their relationship was over and moved out.��

Codependent versus Healthy, Intimate Relationships

Basic relationship building principle number one is the definition of intimacy. It is the coming together of two separate selves in a joint-effort creation. You and Me make Us.

If you are going to enter the sacred space of co-creation where You and Me become Us, it's necessary to have a self to bring. Having a self means being able to act autonomously and reliant on an array of internal resources, and that your well-being or sense of self-worth does not depend on someone else or a relationship. You must have a relationship with yourself upon entering into the sacred space. At the bare minimum, self-awareness in involved. Your behavior is internally based and purpose driven.

Me, You, Us - Entering the Sacred Space of Co-creation

Daniel Linder — Mon, 25 May 2009 00:00:00 +800

Intimacy is something we all want, yet it remains elusive, rare and mysterious. Some people have intimate relationships, but most don't. Lack of relationship fulfillment is the norm. Many of us want to know how to establish an intimate relationship-from single people who are wondering why they are still single to those in relationships who want a healthier, more nourishing connection with their partner. Throngs of people are clamoring for direction.

What is intimacy? How does it happen? What is entailed?

Intimacy is the coming together of two separate selves in a joint-effort creation: You and Me make Us.

Something happens in that space of co-creation where intimacy happens, something invisible and magical, something sacred, spiritual in nature. A bridge is built, upon which there is a steady stream of energy flowing back and forth, an exchange of essences, where understanding and closeness are achieved, where an indestructible bond develops. Us is sacred, one of a kind, special and unique unto itself, just as You and Me are special and unique. Us becomes an entity unto itself and a source of vital nourishment. Intimacy, the product of co-creation, is a life-sustaining force that feeds You and Me.

Intimacy doesn't just happen. It's not random. It doesn't occur in a vacuum. Intimacy is a creative process, an art. Like acting or painting, it takes years of honing your craft before you master it. Anyone can do it, but very few do, and fewer achieve mastery. It requires self-awareness, self-reliance, trust in the process, strong motivation, communication skills and steady practice.

It doesn't matter who you are, intimacy is a monumental challenge. Intimacy entails (emotional) vulnerability, and most people have quite a bit of difficulty being vulnerable in a relationship and often enter into the sacred space in a state of defense. Painful experiences from past and current relationships make most people want to protect themselves at all costs. Learning how to navigate the treacherous terrain of relationships, where experience and ability are relative from person to person, where few have the understanding and skills that make intimacy possible, takes time and experience, and self-growth.

Hope lies in the fact that regardless of your experience in relationships; doing some intensive self-work combined with relationship training may be all you need to make qualitative changes in all of your relationships.

Intimacy begins with rapport.

Rapport occurs when two people are entranced in conversation. They are listening and responding to each other spontaneously, without self-monitoring or anticipating what is going to happen next or worried about making a good impression. They are in a zone, in that sacred space, immersed in a naturally unfolding process, untainted by the wish for a desired outcome. Both people are highly interested in the process -- "unconditionally interested" in the process -- eager to engage, get to know each other and discover what they can create together. They live for realness, intensity, openness and truth, and are not likely to shy away from negative feelings, conflicts or differences. When you watch a couple in rapport, it is as if they are dancing-their postures, gestures and expressions mirror each other and they give a sense of intense engagement.

Before intimacy there is rapport. Where there is rapport, there is a connection. The question is often asked, "Is rapport the same as when there is chemistry between two people?" We are referring to the ability to interact in a way in which there is attunement on both verbal and non-verbal levels. When describing her experience when meeting someone for the first time a client said, "Something was going on. Can't quite put my finger on it. We were just able to understand each other in a very deep way." That's rapport.

Attraction, when combined with unconditional interest, heightens rapport. All the while there is the sense that something deep and profound is happening. Understanding is achieved, and like attraction, strengthens rapport.

I've heard it said and I concur, "Rapport is everything." Nothing is more telling about the future of a relationship than the quality of rapport two people who don't know each other can generate. Most people put physical attraction, great sex, common interests and a whole slew of other faulty criteria at the top of their list of what is most important when deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship.

Enter the sacred space with a ‘clean slate.'

How can you become more skilled at rapport? Cultivate the proper state of mind. Expanding on the concept of "unconditional interest," the ideal state of mind can be likened to a ‘clean slate', characterized by openness and being fully present in the moment, where there is no past or future, only the here and now. An important aspect of the ideal state of mind is the ability to take attention off of yourself and put it on the other person. Any time two people are together a whole new play is about to unfold. A ‘clean slate' will dramatically reduce the extent to which preconceived notions, inaccurate interpretations, and emotional baggage from previous and/or current relationships taint what would otherwise be pure and organic creation.

The most important relationship is with yourself.

If you want to enter the sacred space of co-creation where You and Me become Us, it's necessary to have a self to bring. Having a self is what makes rapport building, "unconditional interest" and a "clean slate" possible. At the bare minimum, self-awareness in involved. You must have relationship with yourself. You (and Me) will not need someone else to validate your existence or worth. You're entering the space as a full and whole entity unto yourself. You will not expect or depend on another to feel good about yourself and you won't measure yourself against how he or she responds to you. Your behavior is internally based and purpose driven.

Self- awareness makes it possible to accurately represent yourself. If you are out of touch with what you're thinking and feeling, you will not be seen, known or understood. Self-awareness extends to intuitive alertness as well, which enables you to pick up on non-verbal communication (attitude, tone of voice, body language, eye contact, demeanor) and danger signals. How else will you be able to take care of yourself and/or exercise healthy self-interest in any relationship?

Where there is intimacy, there is understanding.

Understanding may be defined as when one's experience registers with the other. Understanding is a basic human need and therefore provides vital nourishment to You and Me. It can also relieve pain sourced from relationships in which isolation, disconnection and the lack of intimacy and love have prevailed.

Most people can look back on their lives and relationships and can remember feeling, thinking or saying at one time or another, "All I want is to be understood."

You and Me will not be able to create an Us characterized by intimacy and understanding. Again, without self-awareness, achieving understanding when neither person has the necessary self-awareness becomes a mountainous task. How can you get to know me if I can't accurately represent myself? How can I get to know you if you can't accurately represent yourself? How can I be intimate with you if I'm not intimate with myself?

Whenever entering the sacred space of co-creation, it's incumbent upon you to be able to put whatever is going on in your life aside. If you are distracted, running on empty, overly stressed, in a bad mood, the other person's experience may not register and you may be running the risk of your mood tainting your perceptions. You may be relating to the person you're with more as an extension of yourself, than as a separate entity. Chances are you'll be in a reaction mode that takes you out of the moment and distances you from the person you're with.

The best thing you can do for Us is to care for yourself.

Caring for yourself means being able to identify what issues, struggles or challenges are yours, and therefore your responsibility to resolve and not use the relationship (Us) to do so. The key factor determining the quality and longevity of a relationship is the ability to distinguish between what issues are yours, what are your partner's and what and when the two of you must come together to resolve (Yours, Mine, Ours). It's in the sacred space of co-creation where You and Me make Us; where each person's differences are illuminated, conflicts resolved and where intimacy and understanding are achieved.

Identifying Common Tendencies and Characteristics of Codependency (III)

Daniel Linder — Tue, 05 May 2009 00:00:00 +800

Codependency, as discussed in prior newsletters, is a deep longstanding pattern of considering the needs of others more than your own. Codependency can be viewed as an addiction, i.e. a love addiction or relationship addiction, as the relationship is driven by unconscious, unmet emotional needs (The Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA)). It originates in dysfunctional families where children learn to overcompensate for the lack of emotional nourishment by developing excessive sensitivity to others' needs. In effect, the codependent loses him or herself in the relationship, or the relationship serves as an escape from oneself.��

In the last Newsletter, there were a number of questions posed to help readers determine whether certain tendencies and characteristics of codependency pertain to them (Are you codependent?). One of the questions asked was, Do you feel you have to hide your feeling? This question speaks to one of the hallmark features of codependency: the suppression of feelings and disconnection from oneself, manifested by a discrepancy between how a person appears on the outside versus what he or she is feeling on the inside. For example, we often see a cool, calm exterior masking an emotional storm.�

While it is hard to say how conscious the codependent is of covering up his or her feelings or hiding behind a 'poker face,' it is likely that a fa�ade becomes second-nature, a way of life, and he or she loses track of the incongruity. Suppression and disconnect from one's feelings is the result of having grown up in an environment void of nurturing and where it was unsafe to be vulnerable or to express feelings.��

In a session with a patient, the disparity between "what you see," and "what you get," became quite apparent. I suggested to the patient that she was quite an emotional person despite how she appeared on the outside. She was taken aback, and remained quite matter of fact. "I'm surprised to hear you say that.� That's not how I see myself.� My parents never knew or cared what I felt, which is why I checked out.� I stopped feeling my feelings a long time ago."�

I was struck by her hesitance to admit that she prided herself on her controlled, stoic exterior.� Despite her efforts, whenever we talked about what and how she needed to communicate to her (addicted) husband, tears gushed while her face remained expressionless.� It seemed as if she didn't want to know she was crying, but couldn't stop herself.

Some the questions in the Are You Codependent� inventory, speak to the external distortion that is often seen with codependency. Do you feel like you work harder or expend more energy than your partner to keep the relationship going?� Do you think that if you were a better spouse (or parent, sibling, son or daughter, or friend), things would be better? Do you often make threats to leave the relationship, but never carry them out?

Many codependents find themselves trapped in dysfunctional relationships, unable to extricate themselves from the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship may be. It is not uncommon to hear about their sense of demoralization and confusion upon recognizing that they are pulling the relationship along while their partners remain passive and oblivious.

Codependents have the capacity to pull themselves from the depths of despair by creating illusions about the people they are in relationships with, as well as the quality of those relationships. Reality and imagination become indistinguishable and objectivity is lost. Rather than recognizing the limitation of their partner to provide emotional nourishment, 'love' addicts and 'relationship' addicts hang on to the idea of how they would like things to be rather than how they really are.

In another case example, a patient who was struggling to end a relationship with a boyfriend, frequently lapsed in and out of reverie with 'euphoric recall,' alluding to "how good we were together" and "how great of a guy he was." Despite being able to admit to me that she often felt criticized or blamed, she remained blind and unable to respond to the lack of emotional intimacy that plagued their relationship. Her boyfriend was unresponsive to her feelings or and avoided discussion about any of their mounting conflicts. He had little or no interest in having sex, and he was rarely available to see her unless it was convenient for him. Yet, she was unable to control her urge to contact him. Denial was working masterfully. She remained unaware of being 'hooked' on him, and was out of touch with the unmet emotional needs driving her involvement. She couldn't see that the longer she stayed in the relationship, the worse she felt about herself.

As the process of her therapy took hold, she became more aware of being driven by a deeply embedded sense of worthlessness and feeling undeserving of love. She was beginning to understand that, in order to break the cycle of ending up feeling abandoned, rejected and hopeless, she must learn and practice principles of self-care, so that she can one day rely on herself for nurturance and guidance.�

Recovering From Codependency

The initial stage of recovery from codependency, as well as other aforementioned addictions (chemical dependency, compulsive gambling, porn, sex and love addictions), entails a period of intensive self-work during which the pain from unmet emotional needs and negative self-feelings are identified and sourced. By learning how to cope with the pain without depending on someone outside of yourself for escape, you ultimately change how you see yourself so that you are able to make decisions and act in your own best interests.�

It follows that if codependency is a deep-seated, longstanding tendency to consider another person's feelings before your own, recovery is process of reprioritization. Consider your own feelings, wants and needs first, before deciding on a course of action. That is, "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?" "What's in it for me?" "How do I best take care of myself?"

How do you regain friendship only after you slept with someone that you would rather keep as a ...

Daniel Linder — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +800

How do you regain friendship only after you slept with someone that you would rather keep as a friend? You do not really jive sexually - message given by him...

Response from Daniel...

The lure of sex blinds a vast amount of people to the distinction between sex and intimacy or friendship. "Don't make more of sex than it is" may be common sense wisdom we've heard before, but it's actually vital knowledge, a key to our sanity. Yet, one of the greatest ironies of our time is that we're conditioned to make more (or less) of sex than it is. There is also the tendency to lose sight of it being nearly impossible to remain unaffected after sex, when unconscious unmet emotional needs get triggered and our imagination is running wild. So many people fall into the trap of defining the relationship according to awkward moments of a premature sexual encounter, when their eyes were closed and they were unconscious or confused. Understand going in, expecting there to be emotional and psychological consequences after sex.

Fear not. You could turn this in lessons learned. You fell into this trap, but you could climb back to the present while keeping your top priority and ultimate purpose in mind. If friendship and intimacy is what you want, another basic principle takes precedence and becomes the basis for your next action step: Relationships are a joint-effort creations that begins with openness and honesty. Responsibility to communicate about what kind of relationship you want to have (if any at all) is implied. You could initiate a conversation with this guy.

As far as, "You do not really jive sexually - message given by him..." this brings you to
Principles four and five: "Don't take it personally!" If you don't jive (sexually) with your partner, or your partner doesn't with you doesn't reflect on either one of you personally. You may both decide that you want to continue the relationship and not have sex. You don't have to have sex!

After sex honesty often begins with the realization that you feel more involved than you want to be and that despite having sex the night before, you haven't a clue as to what kind of relationship you want to have, how intimate you could get or whether you even want to get together again. You may not have ever thought of it before, let alone open up the discussion.

This may be a test of your 'pre-sex' friendship. Sex doesn't have be the end of a friendship especially when friendship is what you're ultimtely after. This could be a seamless transition, a relatively easy one, to keep the relationship going and not have sex.

Recovering Addict in Rehab. What should I do?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +800

I'm in a relationship with a recovering addict... We started dating a little too soon after he got out of rehab (say 2 months) --obviously he relapsed... I being the only one who didn't know.... Now he is in a new program doing excellent. He's been away for 2 months (he went to a program out of the country)... Should I leave him?

Response from Daniel...

The problem in your relationship goes back to its beginning. You may have heard, or at least suspected that, "No intimate relationships during the first hear of sobriety," may have some validity and can certainly apply here. The overwhelming majority of relationships whose origins go back to an early stage of recovery (during the first year of sobriety) are doomed.

It may help to understand that addiction is as much an emotional problem as a substance or (activity) dependence; that you are powerless over your pain and emotions (from unmet emotional needs) just as you are unable to control your addiction. The first year of recovery not only involves being sober/abstinent and learning how to live a sober life, but also identifying, expressing and handling your emotions. We can assume that in a sexually intimate relationship, emotions will be running high. Let's also assume anyone in an early stage of recovery, is in emotional withdrawal, with a big hole needing to get filled, and is learning how to deal with his or her emotions without resort to desperate measures, i.e. alcohol for relief. In short, a sexually intimate relationship puts those in early recovery at increased risk of relapse, as those in recovery has not developed enough of a relationship with him or herself to get through an emotional crisis in tact.

Right now, the recommendation is to not "leave" him, but rather put the relationship on hold. In the interim, get clearer about your priorities by putting recovery, meaning time and space from sexually intimate relationships at the top of the list, and put off getting sexually involved with this guy for at least a year. Giving yourselves some time and space to grow as individuals will maximize your chances of creating a healthy, emotionally nourishing, intimate and, yes sexual relationship, one that weather the invertible storms that test relationships.

Understanding Codependency as an Addiction (II)�

Daniel Linder — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 01:00:00 +800

Before further discussion about codependency as an addiction, let's briefly re-establish a working definition of addiction: An addiction is a relationship with a means of relief. Where there is addiction, there is pain from unmet emotional needs. It is the need to relieve that pain that drives the addiction. (The Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA)).

Denial and other defense mechanisms render the pain and source of the pain unconscious. Where there is addiction, there is the irresistible lure of the relationship that serves as a means of relief and loss of control -- the inability to pull away despite increasing problems and steady progression of deterioration on all levels. Denial is always operating as the 'addiction's best friend,' capable of altering perception and eliminating awareness, making it impossible to realistically assess the level of involvement or severity of resultant problems. �

What distinguishes codependency from chemical process addictions (i.e. gambling, porn or sex) is that codependents get 'hooked' on other people in an anguished effort to recover something that had been missing emotionally from their own upbringing. Addiction to other people is far more complicated than other types of addictions because they are relationships between people, in which communication exchanges are emotionally charged and multi-layered. � �

What is codependency?� �

Codependency is a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before yourself, and caring more about their needs than your own.

A codependent relationship is a highly imbalanced one. The focus is on the other person, not on oneself, and comes at the expense of oneself. Codependents often find themselves depending on others who fail to provide very little, if any emotional nourishment, who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves. �

Codependents' behavior often occurs in the guise of caring or loving. Codependents are known to put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately "needing to be needed," to feel important and that they matter. Denial makes it impossible for the codependent person to be conscious of his/her feelings of shame and worthlessness which are rooted at the core of their motivation. They can't see when they're over-involved or loving too much, and that they are "going down with the ship." �

As is the case with other addictions, the emotional holes codependents are trying to fill only get bigger as they exhaust themselves in the process. Their hunger becomes internalized, that is, turns into negative self-feelings. "I am a failure." "I am worthless." "I am unlovable". "I don't matter." They are trying in vain to affirm they are worthy, needed, wanted, loved and can make a difference, when deep down they believe that they are not. �

Are you codependent?

The following questions can help you determine whether or not you are.�

Do you feel you have to hide your feelings?
Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, it's never quite good enough?
Do you think that if you were a better parent, spouse, sibling, son or daughter, or friend, things would be better?
Do you feel like you work harder or expend more energy than your partner to keep the relationship going?
Do you believe a bad relationship is better than no relationship?
Is it hard for you to say "no?"
Do you tend to avoid confrontation at all costs?
Do you feel helpless or trapped in your relationship?
Are you preoccupied with your partner's addiction or other problems?
Do you make excuses or cover up your partner's behavior to other people?
Does embarrassment make you want to avoid being around other people?
Do you often make threats to leave the relationship, but never carry them out?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, consider the possibility that you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. While codependent behavior may be deep seated and longstanding, understanding codependency as an addiction and recognizing one's own tendencies is the first step on the path of recovery.

�

How do you distinguish between sexual and emotional intimacy?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:05:53 +800

Oftentimes sex gets confused with intimacy. Confusion is evident when words like, "We were intimate," "We made love," are used to describe what was actually a sexual encounter.

A common misconception is that emotional intimacy naturally accompanies or will follow sex. Even great sex in no way guarantees emotional intimacy or a great relationship. The two are separate entities and there is no correlation between them. Physical nakedness/sex is not the same as emotional nakedness or vulnerability or intimacy.

One explanation for this confusion is that when we're physically naked it might appear as if we're intimate and vulnerable, while on an emotional level we're not. Emotional openness and sharing are considerably harder to achieve, which makes sex the preferred mode of interaction of choice simply because it's easier and pleasurable.

It's also possible that seeing ourselves as strictly physical or sexy beings may be too demoralizing a notion. Most people would prefer to see themselves as not being ruled by purely libidinous desire, since in our culture mature adults are not supposed to act that way.

As a result, at those times when we are primarily interested in sex - not necessarily intimacy - we can't admit to ourselves that it is sex we're after, let alone talk about it. This conflict gets resolved by making more of sex than it is and making more of the relationship, and end up painfully disillusioned when discovering that it was nothing more than sex.

Why has "separation" become a term fraught with negative connotations?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:05:36 +800

Separation is often considered to be a last resort, meaning the relationship is over. The problem is believing that what is supposed to happen in a relationship is “to be together all of the time.” There is no way to integrate or make sense of what is happening when they are at odds, conflicted, when negative feelings come up, when their differences are more pronounced than their similarities. As long as they are together, the relationship is strong. If they’re apart, it is precarious.

What happens when “I” becomes “we,” when “me and you” becomes “us?” The couple will be relying on each other, or “us,” rather than on themselves as individuals. Whatever sense of a separate self that either person might have had upon entering the relationship will eventually give way to “we” and “us.” It’s also possible that these people might not have had much of a self to begin with.

When these people find their way to couples therapy (as they inevitably will once relationship-threatening problems emerge), it often works best for them to do individual therapy first. The therapist works with them by first separating them, then putting them back together. The plan is for them to later return to couples therapy having begun the process of reclaiming themselves as individuals with separate identities, with feelings, wants and needs of their own; as “me and you.” A healthy couple is composed of two separate, distinct individuals.

When two people who have (in effect) become one are working in couples therapy, the process can become protracted and futile. The therapist must determine whether it’s best to work toward separation in couples therapy, or have both people pursuing individual therapy before returning to do work on their relationship. Individual therapy puts the focus back where it belongs – on the individual.

Sometimes separation is necessary; that is, two people have to actually separate from each other because they are too reactive and incendiary. Left to their own devices, they will only further exacerbate the situation. They may need time alone to seek out whether they want to be together or be apart. Sometimes the only hope two people have to preserve their history together, their caring and friendship, is to recognize that their relationship as it was no longer works, and that they need to separate.

couples therapy includes discussion and re-education about separation, presenting separation as a good thing, a healthy and necessary step in one’s spiritual evolution. Most couples’ problems/issues can be traced back to one or both people who realize that they stopped being themselves, feel invisible or no longer exist, and are no longer close. Often, volatility and escalation occurs because the two people don’t know how to be apart. Their existences are based on a belief that puts them into an inextricable bind. “If I express my true feelings, I will lose the relationship. In order to keep the relationship, I must misrepresent myself. I must sacrifice myself to accommodate the relationship (i.e., say or do what the other wants to hear).”

What is premarital counseling?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:04:57 +800

The best investment a young couple can make is in their relationship.

Premarital counseling goes beyond prevention by preparing a couple for the rigors of a relationship and shaping its future and quality. It is intervention at the absolutely best time, when two people have just made a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together.

It is far more challenging and unlikely for a couple who have been married for thirty years to learn how to communicate intimately when they hadn’t to begin with, unless of course, both people are ready to do what it takes.

“Relationship training” is a process of education and communication skills-building. Based on the premise that relationships continue from where they begin; that is, the patterns set at the beginning will continue throughout the course of the developing relationship. If a couple can learn how to communicate intimately with each other from the beginning, they will continue to do so throughout the course of their relationship.

Premarital counseling enables a (new) couple to identify and communicate about their fears, desires, beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and other issues and baggage that was previously avoided or denied, never discussed before. In the process, you learn about yourself and the relationship, see what it feels like to be real and honest with each other in a deep, personal way, so that you’ll be able to continue to do so in subsequent encounters.

Upon completing a regimen of pre-marital relationship training, you will have done what it takes to create the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted. You will have the understanding and ability to communicate intimately on a consistent basis; communication practice, communication that translates to respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding – the hallmark features of any intimate relationship.

Premarital counseling will also clear the way for continued emotional and spiritual fulfillment, and self growth.

Let’s consider two people, Becky and Patrick, both in their late 20s, and in love with each other. After a couple of years, they have decided to plan a future, live together, get married. A wedding date was set. More than anything, they wanted to get off to a good start.

It was apparent they were both highly stressed about how much they were fighting and how miserably they both were about their futile, hostile bouts with each other. They felt out of control and didn’t know why. They were wishing there was some way they could communicate better with each other. They came close to calling off the wedding.

In the process of exploring what was happening, it quickly became apparent that they got consumed in the wedding planning process – dates, costs, guest lists, and parents with their own ideas.

Premarital counseling afforded them the opportunity to learn how to set boundaries in a relationship. Perhaps their greatest source of stress related to the wedding had to do with being unable to set boundaries with their respective parents, and with being unable to keep their parents from undermining them, and from creating additional conflict and doubt that left Becky and Patrick paralyzed, and at odds with each other.

Their learning how to set boundaries with their parents extended to setting boundaries with each other; that is, clarifying which issues and challenges belong to whom so that they could say to each other when necessary, “That is for me to work out. You can’t help me.” Or, “This is for you to work out. I can’t help you with that.”

They gained some very profound insights about family of origin baggage they were both bringing to the relationship. Becky was able to see that she had made herself responsible for keeping Patrick happy. When Patrick wasn’t happy, Becky felt like she had failed, was not good enough, and assumed that this meant the relationship was doomed and she was the cause. She realized that most of the time when she was in conflict with Patrick about something, or when Patrick was upset about something that had nothing to do with her, she shrank just as she had in the face of her father’s relentless put-downs.

Patrick was able to make the connection between unusually high levels of anxiety and the sense of losing himself, his life and their relationship, as he had watched his parents do. He began to see that his sense of being overwhelmed and his dread about proceeding with the wedding had a lot to do with feeling buried by the onslaught of plans and commitments, and an inflated sense of responsibility for making it all work. Identifying this sinking feeling alleviated the weight, reduced his anxiety and stress.

Additionally, it was powerful for them to get how much they were reacting to other things which had little to do with what was happening in the moment, but rather to people from the past, not to each other.

How does one demystify sexual attraction?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:04:33 +800

There may not be a more mystifying phenomenon than sexual attraction. When we are attracted to someone, our perceptions, motivation, thoughts, feelings and behavior are profoundly affected. Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction.

There are three basic components of sexual attraction: what is experienced by our bodies (physical), what is experienced by our emotions (needs), and what is experienced by our imagination; they operate simultaneously and synergistically.

Our Bodies

From a purely physical standpoint, there is nothing mystical or magical about sexual attraction. Feeling attracted is accompanied by bodily arousal, desire, excitement, and pleasure, which are all part of our biological make-up.

Emotions

Similarly, we are born with a wide spectrum of emotional needs. Our need for emotional nourishment is as, if not more, powerful than physical and sexual needs. If our relationships have not and do not provide the requisite emotional nourishment, the need to relieve the resulting frustration will play out in our relationships. Unmet emotional needs get projected onto others, making other people the satisfier of those needs.

There is an unconscious process of objectification that renders us unable to consider other criteria for selecting a partner and for staying in the relationship. We get drawn to others who, for as long as they can, either satisfy unmet emotional needs or serve in some way to relieve our pain. But since unmet emotional needs operate unconsciously, we attribute our interest or desire to other qualities – along the lines of character and compatibility – thus completely deluding ourselves. Problems will naturally arise when unmet emotional needs take hold. This happens when one or the other’s needs change, or when one (for any reason) stops satisfying the other’s needs – at which time there is no longer any basis for the relationship.

Imagination

Our imagination is as basic to the human condition as are our physical and emotional needs. Imagination is a healthy and integral part of life; we rely on our imaginations to reduce stress and relieve frustration stemming from unmet physical and emotional needs. However, we aren’t always aware of when our imagination is operating. When we’re unaware, fantasy and reality can become indistinguishable and interchangeable, and imagination can easily become a substitute for the real thing.

Sexual attraction occurs on both conscious and unconscious levels, blends together both physical and emotional experiences, and can be both real and imagined. The overall effect is synergistic; that is, every component enhances the others. Physical arousal is compelling enough by itself; it is conscious and real. When it is combined with the power of unconscious unmet emotional needs and the imagination, it has unlimited mystifying potential.

Does the ability to flirt mean that there is good chemistry?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:03:28 +800

Flirtation is another area where many people have difficulties. The problem isn’t flirtation itself. Just as we have seen to be true with sex, flirting can be stimulating and feel good. It’s a way to express interest and pique the other’s interest by sexualizing the communication. It’s a form of seduction, whether verbal or nonverbal, conscious or unconscious. Yet this is still being very different than being open and honest. Problems arise when you don’t know when you’re flirting, or mistake it for more than it is. Chemistry implies a multi-level connection and understanding that exists independently and in addition to the exchange of sexual interest through flirtation.

Should sexual attraction ever be the basis for pursuing a relationship?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:02:57 +800

Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction. When we are sexually attracted to someone, there is a synergistic interplay between our bodies, our emotions and our imaginations. The physical aspect (bodily arousal, sexual desire) is conscious and real, compelling enough by itself; unconscious and unmet emotional needs can get triggered and the level of excitement is further heightened. All the while, our imagination is operating, unconsciously, distorting our perceptions.

Although mutual sexual attraction may be the most common deciding factor for pursuing a relationship, it may also be highly unreliable as a predictor of a viable one. The problem is that whenever there is an attraction, physical and emotional excitement are heightened and objectivity is compromised. It’s similar to being in love, when one easily becomes blinded by idealization and excitement.

The healthiest case scenario is when other factors are already established independently from, or in addition to, strong attraction or the state of being in love. Keep in mind that emotional safety, rapport, and the ability to achieve understanding and resolve conflict are potential turn-ons in themselves. When two people who aren’t initially attracted to each other are relating on a deep, personal level, attraction and excitement are natural responses to being intimate. If they are attracted and have rapport, they can and often do become more attracted. The ability to create intimacy on the spot, and the quality of the rapport experienced are more reliable predictors of the viability of a relationship.

How important is being "in love" when assessing the viability or quality of a ...

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:02:39 +800

Many people wonder whether there is something inherently wrong or ominous if they do not feel “in love.”

Being in love should not be a prerequisite in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship, nor in assessing the long-term prognosis for, or quality of, any relationship. A common pitfall is to confuse being in love with loving each other and with being intimate. The key is to see the distinction between the two, the distinction between fantasy and reality.

To be in love is to be in an altered state of mind. It is a peak experience – exciting, intense… and temporary. Our tendency is to want to be in love all the time. Although two people may feel clear-headed and certain about each other while they’re in love, they forget that they’re looking at each other through the lens of idealization, and will become disillusioned and overwhelmed when reality sets in. They see each other as they wish the other to be, as opposed to who the other person really is; they wish to keep the other perched indefinitely on a pedestal. Judgment is impaired, perceptions skewed and objectivity compromised. While people’s tendency is to over-rely on being in love and get swept into the excitement of the experience, it’s actually in one’s own best interests (as well as the interests of the relationship) to proceed cautiously, knowing that one’s perceptions are likely to be unreliable.

In contrast to being in love, loving each other is rather ordinary, but solid and emotionally nourishing, bringing with it a subtle depth of feeling and the ability to be real and true, the ability to be vulnerable. Respect and trust grow over time. When in love, we are slaves to our inflated distortions, setting ourselves up for a guaranteed crash that occurs when one cannot live up to the other’s expectations.

Many people have a hard time accepting reality, especially in relation to being in love. The tendency is to want to kill the de-mystifying messenger. When being in love is confused with love itself, the temporary high and excitement is mistaken for something solid and lasting and real. Being in love is based on denial, delusion and self-deception, whereas love is an exchange that carries over time and has a life of its own.

It’s common for people to assume that being in love lasts indefinitely. It’s only a matter of time before reality sets in. What happens when a whole set of new influences impinge on the relationship? The couple is tested, forced to face themselves and each other and decide what it is they are really after… an altered state, an unreal world, or intimacy?

The quality and resilience of any relationship often depends on the couple’s ability to communicate effectively and to work through differences, conflicts and negative feelings (i.e., anger, disappointment, misunderstanding, and mistrust). All this is far more challenging than being in an altered state.

What is a "clean slate?"

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:02:21 +800

A "clean slate" is a precursor to building rapport. It means entering into an encounter in the spirit of discovery, in a state of mind characterized by openness and spontaneity. It also means being in the moment.

The first time two people are together, we can say in effect that a new play is about to open. The dialogue and drama are unfolding right then and there. There shouldn’t be any preference or investment in any specific outcome, but rather a steady openness to discovering how you feel being together. Unfortunately, too often, the stage has already been set, the dialogue scripted, and the relationship is doomed before it ever begins.

Preconceived notions about what is supposed to happen, and the kind of person and relationship you’re looking for, all contaminate the “clean slate.” Instead of responding to someone spontaneously, you’re measuring the person against pictures in your head and not assessing the level of rapport you’ve achieved or discovering how you feel being together. If the person you are with for the first time matches your pictures, the tendency is to assume greater relationship potential than is in fact present, making a disillusioning crash inevitable. A “sight unseen” selection process misses out on far more reliable information about relationship potential. More often than not, the person you end up developing a relationship with is not one who matches those pictures.