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My Best Friend

Taye B. Corby — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

�

My Best Friend

by Daniel Linder

Dangles all I ever wanted�

Safety�

To open�

Come out��

Receive�

And see you�

Whenever together�

There is someone who��

Respects�

Trusts�

Accepts�

Understands�

And loves me�

Who listens�

Pays attention�

Notices�

Loves me for me�

Unconditionally�

Unbelievable�

Wants to be with me��

There for me��

Believes in me�

Knows me like no one else��

Talks to me�

Talks to me like no one else�

Openly��

Sharing�

Present��

Committed�

To being with me�

Suddenly I’m special�

Suddenly we’re special�

Our exchange�

Intimate�

Connected�

By emotion�

Feeling each other�

Love between us�

Our sacred creation�

You and me�

A chemical reaction�

Conception occurs�

Momentary and lasting�

Filling the huge void�

Of longing�

Erupting and irrepressible��

This life-force�

Sustains spirit�

Graces heart

�

Define an intimate relationship.

Daniel Linder — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

The quality of our relationships is a reliable measure of the quality of our lives. Our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being depend on the emotional nourishment our relationships provide. Intimate is a term that aptly describes an emotionally nourishing relationship. It follows that if our relationships are intimate and ever-deepening, we’ll be balanced and growing, and the quality of our lives will be fulfilling and meaningful.

There is something we could call the language of intimacy. It seems that for some people, this language comes naturally, just happens, just flows, as if it were inherent in their beings, as if they were born with it. For others, it doesn’t exist, they never saw it and don’t what it looks like, which means that the language must be taught and learned.

The language of intimacy makes for an emotionally nourishing exchange between two people characterized by deep caring and understanding. It is how and what people communicate to each other, both verbally and nonverbally, and continues to deepen over time. Intimacy and intimate communication can be summed up as the ability to achieve a mutual understanding, being in tune with each other. Understanding is abundantly nourishing. When there is understanding, both people are receiving and providing nourishment and their relationship becomes a source of sustenance.

Intimate relationships have four basic ingredients: respect, trust, acceptance and knowing (each other), which can take place through both verbal and nonverbal communication.

Respect has to do with honoring each other with regard, validating each other as inherently worthy, treating each other as if the other person’s thoughts and feelings are important and matter. Eye contact, attentiveness, and how you listen to each other are nonverbal expressions of respect. Certainly there are verbal communications that convey acknowledgement and humble reverence.

Trust has to do with feeling safe enough to be open and honest with each other, feeling that you can count on your partner being there for you, knowing that you are always looking out for each other and that you can count on each other to act responsibly – that is, “do what you say.”

Acceptance has to do with unconditional acceptance: not holding each other to idealized standards, but rather embracing each other’s limitations, flaws, character defects, differences, quirks, moods. Acceptance is appreciating each other as a unique individual, not wanting the other to be someone else or thinking that he or she should be someone else. Acceptance means not being fixated on assumptions about each other.

Knowing each other means becoming acquainted with subtleties and nuances in the other. We can only do this through deep, personal sharing. Mutual understanding is one aspect of knowing; the ability to do so on an ongoing basis is another; and the insights and revelations that occur by virtue of time spent together another aspect still.

Some people may wonder whether sexual attraction and sexual chemistry should be included in the definition of an intimate relationship. The aforementioned definition is an attempt at prioritization and sequencing. Respect, trust, acceptance and knowing are the vitamins and minerals, the source of nourishment, the structure and foundation of an intimate relationship. Sexual attraction, chemistry, and satisfaction in a relationship are more analogous to heightened pleasures; they are enhancers – the “icing” as opposed to the “cake.” Certainly when it is happening on all levels, there is a certain synergy: making love as the ultimate expression of intimacy. But a relationship can be extremely intimate without any sex at all, while no relationship could be considered intimate without these four basic ingredients.

Perhaps the most important implication is that these four basic ingredients also apply to the relationship one has with oneself. How can one respect, trust, accept and know another person when one doesn’t feel that way about oneself – when one doesn’t have self-respect, trust of self, self-acceptance and self-knowledge? It can only happen when one is in touch with and able to identify what one is feeling, wanting or needing. The recognition that a line has been crossed (i.e., that one is disrespected, not safe to be open, honest and vulnerable; that one is being held to unrealistic expectations, or is not being accurately seen or heard) comes from an inner knowledge.

Understanding Codependency as an Addiction (II)�

Daniel Linder — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Before further discussion about codependency as an addiction, let's briefly re-establish a working definition of addiction: An addiction is a relationship with a means of relief. Where there is addiction, there is pain from unmet emotional needs. It is the need to relieve that pain that drives the addiction. (The Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA)).

Denial and other defense mechanisms render the pain and source of the pain unconscious. Where there is addiction, there is the irresistible lure of the relationship that serves as a means of relief and loss of control -- the inability to pull away despite increasing problems and steady progression of deterioration on all levels. Denial is always operating as the 'addiction's best friend,' capable of altering perception and eliminating awareness, making it impossible to realistically assess the level of involvement or severity of resultant problems. �

What distinguishes codependency from chemical process addictions (i.e. gambling, porn or sex) is that codependents get 'hooked' on other people in an anguished effort to recover something that had been missing emotionally from their own upbringing. Addiction to other people is far more complicated than other types of addictions because they are relationships between people, in which communication exchanges are emotionally charged and multi-layered. � �

What is codependency?� �

Codependency is a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before yourself, and caring more about their needs than your own.

A codependent relationship is a highly imbalanced one. The focus is on the other person, not on oneself, and comes at the expense of oneself. Codependents often find themselves depending on others who fail to provide very little, if any emotional nourishment, who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves. �

Codependents' behavior often occurs in the guise of caring or loving. Codependents are known to put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately "needing to be needed," to feel important and that they matter. Denial makes it impossible for the codependent person to be conscious of his/her feelings of shame and worthlessness which are rooted at the core of their motivation. They can't see when they're over-involved or loving too much, and that they are "going down with the ship." �

As is the case with other addictions, the emotional holes codependents are trying to fill only get bigger as they exhaust themselves in the process. Their hunger becomes internalized, that is, turns into negative self-feelings. "I am a failure." "I am worthless." "I am unlovable". "I don't matter." They are trying in vain to affirm they are worthy, needed, wanted, loved and can make a difference, when deep down they believe that they are not. �

Are you codependent?

The following questions can help you determine whether or not you are.�

Do you feel you have to hide your feelings?
Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, it's never quite good enough?
Do you think that if you were a better parent, spouse, sibling, son or daughter, or friend, things would be better?
Do you feel like you work harder or expend more energy than your partner to keep the relationship going?
Do you believe a bad relationship is better than no relationship?
Is it hard for you to say "no?"
Do you tend to avoid confrontation at all costs?
Do you feel helpless or trapped in your relationship?
Are you preoccupied with your partner's addiction or other problems?
Do you make excuses or cover up your partner's behavior to other people?
Does embarrassment make you want to avoid being around other people?
Do you often make threats to leave the relationship, but never carry them out?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, consider the possibility that you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. While codependent behavior may be deep seated and longstanding, understanding codependency as an addiction and recognizing one's own tendencies is the first step on the path of recovery.

�

The Relationship Model of Addiction (I) Codependency

Daniel Linder — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

One of the latest developments in the field of addiction is the Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA). The prevailing approach to addiction for the past 50 plus years has been a medical-based model. When the American Medical Association established that alcoholism (which later became interchangeable with chemical dependency as well as addiction) qualified as a disease-a "pathological dependence," only objective or science-based criteria applied. Addiction was understood strictly from a medical perspective and only genetic, biochemical and behavioral factors were considered. The subjective arena was never broached and mental, emotional, psychological and relationship factors were virtually ignored.

The RMA picks up where the disease concept leaves off. From the RMA perspective, "pathological dependency" implies a pathological relationship, one that can be most accurately understood by looking at the mental and emotional dynamics of a relationship. "Pathological" can be synonymous with an unhealthy, dysfunctional, "bad" relationship. The RMA broadens our understanding of addiction as being a relationship and extends the concept to activity-based and relationship addictions, not just to chemical dependency.

The relationship is with a means of relief, be it with a substance or an activity like gambling, porn or sex ("process" addictions) or with another person (codependency). The relationship is driven by pain and the need to relieve that pain. The pain is emotional in nature, the result of unconscious unmet emotional needs stemming from childhood, from relationships that failed to provide adequate emotional nourishment. Despite being unconscious, they remain active, never go away, and only get stronger over time.�

This 'pathologically dependent' relationship is a destructive and doomed one. It feeds on itself, creating a vicious cycle. While providing temporary relief, the net effect actually leaves the addict in more pain and emotional hunger than before. The level of pain and hunger driving the addiction increases over time as no real nourishment is ever provided. The energy spent keeping the relationship going zaps whatever internal resources existed prior to becoming addicted and further isolates the addict from relationships that might otherwise provide some nourishment. The relationship becomes overpowering, the number one relationship in the addict's life, coming at the expense of all other relationships and priorities, i.e. family, work, health and creative endeavors. This accounts for the progressive deterioration on all levels of functioning associated with this pathological dependency.��

In many ways, the relationship is akin to carrying on a secret love affair. Secrecy and deception are always involved. Imagination plays a key role, and denial is always operating.

Denial makes it virtually impossible for someone in the throes of an addiction to realistically and accurately assess the existence of the problem, as well as the severity of problems resulting from the relationship. The addict has no idea how desperately involved he or she is and the lengths he or she would go for relief, without considering the costs. For the addict illusion has replaced reality. In his or her deluded mind, no one sees or knows what is happening. Getting busted poses no threat.� Regret is no worry. Crashing and burning never enters the mind until he or she crashes and burns.��

The cause (etiology) of addiction is attributable to the backlog of pain associated with emotional hunger and deprivation. A basic premise of the RMA is: Where there is pain, there is the need to relieve that pain. The greater the pain, the greater the need is to relieve it.

The primary predisposing factor or condition is the presence of a relatively abundant amount, albeit subjective and impossible to measure, of emotional hunger and deprivation, which adds acuity and specificity to the prevailing genetic or biochemical explanations. The same logic applies: The greater the pain (subjective), the greater the susceptibility to becoming addicted.

The RMA also has profound treatment implications. It naturally follows that, if the lack of emotionally nourishing relationships and need for relief is the (primary) cause of addiction, then the development of nourishing relationships would reduce the need for relief, which could ultimately free the addict from his/her addiction. Rather than spending life fending off pain and depleting one's inner resources, one would tap into them, providing nourishment from within oneself and making it possible to continue growing and evolving.

It also follows that learning how to create healthy, emotionally nourishing relationships is an integral part of treatment and recovery. After a period of sustained stabilization, the next stage of recovery would be a period of intensive 'self-work'-developing the relationship with oneself - which could be the most abundant and enduring source of emotional and spiritual sustenance - where your higher self resides. Many consider your self tantamount to your higher power. It's where there is compassion, guiding wisdom, purpose and unrealized potential.�

After having developed a solid relationship with yourself, you act as a separate, autonomous entity, are self-aware, and are not seeking to fill holes or provide what's missing from external sources but rather looking to do so from within. The next stage of recovery would be a period of intensive 'relationship training' in which you gain the understanding and skills necessary to create healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships.

Identifying Common Tendencies and Characteristics of Codependency (III)

Daniel Linder — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Codependency, as discussed in prior newsletters, is a deep longstanding pattern of considering the needs of others more than your own. Codependency can be viewed as an addiction, i.e. a love addiction or relationship addiction, as the relationship is driven by unconscious, unmet emotional needs (The Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA)). It originates in dysfunctional families where children learn to overcompensate for the lack of emotional nourishment by developing excessive sensitivity to others' needs. In effect, the codependent loses him or herself in the relationship, or the relationship serves as an escape from oneself.��

In the last Newsletter, there were a number of questions posed to help readers determine whether certain tendencies and characteristics of codependency pertain to them (Are you codependent?). One of the questions asked was, Do you feel you have to hide your feeling? This question speaks to one of the hallmark features of codependency: the suppression of feelings and disconnection from oneself, manifested by a discrepancy between how a person appears on the outside versus what he or she is feeling on the inside. For example, we often see a cool, calm exterior masking an emotional storm.�

While it is hard to say how conscious the codependent is of covering up his or her feelings or hiding behind a 'poker face,' it is likely that a fa�ade becomes second-nature, a way of life, and he or she loses track of the incongruity. Suppression and disconnect from one's feelings is the result of having grown up in an environment void of nurturing and where it was unsafe to be vulnerable or to express feelings.��

In a session with a patient, the disparity between "what you see," and "what you get," became quite apparent. I suggested to the patient that she was quite an emotional person despite how she appeared on the outside. She was taken aback, and remained quite matter of fact. "I'm surprised to hear you say that.� That's not how I see myself.� My parents never knew or cared what I felt, which is why I checked out.� I stopped feeling my feelings a long time ago."�

I was struck by her hesitance to admit that she prided herself on her controlled, stoic exterior.� Despite her efforts, whenever we talked about what and how she needed to communicate to her (addicted) husband, tears gushed while her face remained expressionless.� It seemed as if she didn't want to know she was crying, but couldn't stop herself.

Some the questions in the Are You Codependent� inventory, speak to the external distortion that is often seen with codependency. Do you feel like you work harder or expend more energy than your partner to keep the relationship going?� Do you think that if you were a better spouse (or parent, sibling, son or daughter, or friend), things would be better? Do you often make threats to leave the relationship, but never carry them out?

Many codependents find themselves trapped in dysfunctional relationships, unable to extricate themselves from the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship may be. It is not uncommon to hear about their sense of demoralization and confusion upon recognizing that they are pulling the relationship along while their partners remain passive and oblivious.

Codependents have the capacity to pull themselves from the depths of despair by creating illusions about the people they are in relationships with, as well as the quality of those relationships. Reality and imagination become indistinguishable and objectivity is lost. Rather than recognizing the limitation of their partner to provide emotional nourishment, 'love' addicts and 'relationship' addicts hang on to the idea of how they would like things to be rather than how they really are.

In another case example, a patient who was struggling to end a relationship with a boyfriend, frequently lapsed in and out of reverie with 'euphoric recall,' alluding to "how good we were together" and "how great of a guy he was." Despite being able to admit to me that she often felt criticized or blamed, she remained blind and unable to respond to the lack of emotional intimacy that plagued their relationship. Her boyfriend was unresponsive to her feelings or and avoided discussion about any of their mounting conflicts. He had little or no interest in having sex, and he was rarely available to see her unless it was convenient for him. Yet, she was unable to control her urge to contact him. Denial was working masterfully. She remained unaware of being 'hooked' on him, and was out of touch with the unmet emotional needs driving her involvement. She couldn't see that the longer she stayed in the relationship, the worse she felt about herself.

As the process of her therapy took hold, she became more aware of being driven by a deeply embedded sense of worthlessness and feeling undeserving of love. She was beginning to understand that, in order to break the cycle of ending up feeling abandoned, rejected and hopeless, she must learn and practice principles of self-care, so that she can one day rely on herself for nurturance and guidance.�

Recovering From Codependency

The initial stage of recovery from codependency, as well as other aforementioned addictions (chemical dependency, compulsive gambling, porn, sex and love addictions), entails a period of intensive self-work during which the pain from unmet emotional needs and negative self-feelings are identified and sourced. By learning how to cope with the pain without depending on someone outside of yourself for escape, you ultimately change how you see yourself so that you are able to make decisions and act in your own best interests.�

It follows that if codependency is a deep-seated, longstanding tendency to consider another person's feelings before your own, recovery is process of reprioritization. Consider your own feelings, wants and needs first, before deciding on a course of action. That is, "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?" "What's in it for me?" "How do I best take care of myself?"

Identifying Common Tendencies and Characteristics of Codependency (continued) (IV)

Daniel Linder — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Another running theme of codependency is the individual's inability to set and maintain clear boundaries and the lack of clearly established boundaries in their family of origin relationships. The blurring of boundaries between self and other, me and you, is often the key factor distinguishing dysfunctional relationships from healthy ones.

Codependent relationships are merged ones. Relationships are need-based and are a means of filling emotional holes. A codependent's well being rests in the hands of the other person. The source of emotional sustenance is externalized -- outside of themselves. The other person becomes the codependent's 'raison d'�tre, or life's purpose. Codependents often put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately needing to be needed, to feel important, and that they matter.

In a previous newsletter, I posed the question, Are you preoccupied with your partner's addiction or other problems? (Are you codependent?) This question points to the kinds of things that happen when there is a lack of clearly established boundaries. We know that codependents often find themselves depending on others who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves. In the guise of caring, the codependent bears the burden of responsibility for problems that are not his or hers to fix. "If you love someone, that's what you do!"�

The relationship between a codependent and drug addict is a case in point. The codependent can not distinguish between whose problem is whose, and who is ultimately responsible to address it. Unaware of attributing the cause of the problem to him or herself, the codependent will get over-involved and exhausted by relentless efforts to 'help.' Denial blinds them to the fact their enabling only makes the situation worse and that feelings of self-doubt, shame and inadequacy, are rising insidiously.

I worked with a patient who made sure his wife attended her treatment sessions by transporting her to every one. In so

doing, he kept her from being responsible for getting to them on her own. As a result, her commitment to get the help she needed was never established. He was afraid of the possibility that she wasn't going to get herself there, which, as it turns out, was the case. He was driven by his need to see himself as a loyal and loving person who was going to be there for her when she needed him most.�� In his mind, he was trying to save their relationship, as if he could do it all by himself.

During the course of therapy, he began to understand his relationship was a 'merged one.' He was relating to her as if she was an extension of himself, not as a person in her own right. He was basically having a relationship with himself. The relationship served as a means of relief. He was so desperate to� fill emotional holes, he lost sight of whose problems were whose to fix. He also began to understand how to take care of himself, and to tap the abundant resources deep within himself, and become able to act in his own best interests. After several months, he realized their relationship was over and moved out.��

Codependent versus Healthy, Intimate Relationships

Basic relationship building principle number one is the definition of intimacy. It is the coming together of two separate selves in a joint-effort creation. You and Me make Us.

If you are going to enter the sacred space of co-creation where You and Me become Us, it's necessary to have a self to bring. Having a self means being able to act autonomously and reliant on an array of internal resources, and that your well-being or sense of self-worth does not depend on someone else or a relationship. You must have a relationship with yourself upon entering into the sacred space. At the bare minimum, self-awareness in involved. Your behavior is internally based and purpose driven.

Recovering From Codependency (V)

Daniel Linder — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Just like an addict whose world revolves alcohol, sex or gambling, whatever substance or activity, the codependent's world revolves around other people. Codependency can be defined as a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before oneself, caring more about others' needs than one's own (The Relationship Model of Addiction). Codependents are driven by unconscious unmet emotional needs, and use relationships to fill emotional holes. Their sense of self-worth hinges on the effect they believe they are having on others. In their minds, they are caring and loving. In actuality, they are 'saving' or 'rescuing,' which contributes to a worsening of the situation. Denial serves as an elaborate system of defense and protection of the codependents modus operandi in relationships. This makes it impossible for codependents to objectively and realistically assess their own level of involvement, the effect of their involvement, or that they can not extricate themselves from the relationship. They can't stop themselves from "going down with the ship."

How does the codependent break the cycle?

If conscious of them at all, the codependent's own needs, wants and feelings are way down on his or her list of priorities and considerations. It follows then that recovery is a process of reprioritization - learning to consider one's own needs, wants and feelings first, before deciding on a course of action. "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?" How the codependent operates in relationships changes to considering his or her needs, wants and feelings as much as, if not, more than the other person's. A shift occurs from always focusing on the other person to an awareness of, "What am I getting out this relationship?" and acting on one's own interests. In effect, the codependent develops a relationship with him or herself.��

A shift must occur from the source of well-being occurring outside of oneself, to depending on oneself as a source of nourishment and to create well-being from within. Tapping into the power within, the self as an inner sanctuary and refuge, can be viewed as spiritual components of recovery. One discovers the abundant source of resources that reside within - a voice of wisdom and truth, where there is purpose and potential and a decision-making agency.�

Change and transformation, and the process of reprioritization begin with self-awareness.

Becoming mindful during the course of day-to-day life means being more self-aware, and aware in general more of the time, In other words, mindfulness can be thought of as a state of both detachment and connectedness. Jon Kabat-Zinn described mindfulness as "not defining yourself by thought content or emotional reactivity," and as "an open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is happening, both internally and externally at any given time."

When one is mindful, the separation between self and other is more clearly defined. The focus is on the unfolding interaction in the here and now. When mindful, one can be more present and able to represent yourself, express your own needs, wants and feelings. Self-awareness is the precursor to taking responsibility for caring and providing for yourself.

The most important relationship...

In a brief passage from her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes a moment of realization about her relationship with herself...

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up all night long, I will stay with you...There is nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die and after your death, I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

This passage shows that in the depths of loneliness and despair there is self-empowerment. Despite a history of relationships that fail to provide adequate emotional nourishment and deeply engrained pattern of using relationships to compensate for what's missing; self-awareness along with understanding some basic relationship building principles are enough to overcome all hurdles.�

While we may embrace the adage, "The quality of one's relationships is the quality of one's life," we don't want to lose sight of the most important relationship - your relationship with yourself.

The Facebook "Friends" Phenomenon.

Daniel Linder — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

�

I'm seeing a relatively recent phenomenon that is posing risk to the mental and emotional well-being of millions of people world-wide, but seems to be particularly rampant in America. Let's call it a 'Facebook' phenomenon. What's happening is there is an increased confusion and inability to distinguish between "Facebook friends" from legitimate friends. Consider the number of people for whom friendship is lacking in their lives and who are seeking to fill this gaping hole with "Facebook friends." The addiction potential is there.�

Sometimes people use Facebook to address relationship issues rather than contacting the other person directly. The question this raises is, "Is this person's Facebook communication to his or her friend a legitimate means to resolve or maintain a relationship when it may otherwise be in jeopardy." �When you're announcing to all of your "Facebook friends" whatever may be happening in your life, are you talking to your friends or an illusion of friends (just�who�are your friends?); and when sharing personal details of your life, the questions of quality of relationship or level of intimacy can be raised as well. Can a full Facebook life fill the void of a life void of real friendship and intimacy? If one of your "Facebook friends" were to exclude you from an event in which other "Facebook friends" were invited, how much pain of rejection is there compared to the pain of feeling excluded from an event in which all your other friends were invited and you weren't?

From a clinical perspective, there's no doubt that having more conversations about who are really your friends and just what constitutes 'friend' would help to clarify the difference between the two.�

Daniel Linder MA MFT
Addiction, Recovery, Relationships Specialist
Intervention Services, Consulting & Training
(415) 456-0802
http://relationshipvision.com

�

Waiting a Year before Getting Involved with Someone once Sober.

Daniel Linder — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

�

Hi Daniel,

-I googled- and landed on your article about Sober Relationships.� My name is xxxxx, xx yrs old.� I feel like you were right-on with many of your points, for example, "the sleeping giant" and "over-involvement" within a casual relationship.� I have quit drinking several times, I'm now at 67 days no booze and I feel lonely.� But like you mentioned, I have so much "baggage" from past relationships, I'm not sure how to Not unload on the guy I try to date.�� I will try to wait a year, but what happens then?� I feel like even if I wait, there is soo much held up emotion, that any date or casual relationship will be catastrophic.� I think you may be able to give me some advise, or recommend some reading for me.�Thank you,

Hello,

Thanks for your inquiry.

"I will try to wait a year, but what happens then?"

Don't underestimate waiting a year before getting involved in a sexually intimate relationship or dating or searching for such. Actually it's not waiting, but moreover committing to an extended period of intensive self-work, that is, developing your relationship with yourself. It's unlike that you'll be able to focus and prioritize if distracted by an emotionally tantalizing relationship. Consider your top priorities right now as extending your sobriety and establishing "connection stations" once a day every day. Those connection stations may be 12-step meetings, working the Steps with a sponsor, journaling, individual and group therapy, mindfulness practice, either working (being employed), working towards a career direction, or going to school.

Daniel

�

Finding True Love Through Intimacy

Daniel Linder — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Finding True Love Through Intimacy

By Daniel Linder MFT

A lot of people have been asking about true love; is there such a thing; if so, what is it? Is it attainable; if so, how attainable is it? If it were just love, I wouldn't have so much difficulty. But, true love?

Talking about true love is risky business. I can imagine taking a poll, going around asking people who are looking for true love what it is they're looking for and getting different answers and a lot of 'I don't knows.' Given its subjective nature, it always comes down to one's interpretation or experience. A never-ending number of questions always seem to get raised.

Let's establish that what we are talking about when we say 'true love' would not be referring to how a parent might feel towards his or her child or a child towards a parent, between siblings. The more traditional connotation of true love leans to, at very least, an emotionally intimate relationship, one that lasts a lifetime. It may be platonic, it may sexual. But for the purposes of this discussion we will first explore what may be some common core elements of true love and of true love that includes sexual intimacy.

As we continue the discussion about what true love is, we will see that a number of related questions are raised.

Is true love, love at first sight? Or, does it come later in the relationship?

True love may and often does begin during the initial encounter, when two people are meeting for the first time. However, the spontaneous, eye-to-eye spark, when time gets compressed, when an irrepressible stirring suddenly before they even talk happens more often in the movies, quite rarely in reality.

After love at first sight, the two people will eventually have to talk to each other. For then, they will get to see how they feel being together. That spark will either ignite or be kaput, depending on how it feels to be together, which is largely determined by the quality of their rapport. The highest high can go to the lowest low in the blink of an eye.

It is possible that when there is rapport, some kind of mutual discovery occurs; that they like being together (a lot), that they like each other (a lot), that they have this incredible chemistry, that they communicate about anything and everything; and that this turns them on even more. They can become quite excited by their rapport, but when attraction, desire and sex enter the picture, their excitement is further peaked.

Is true love a matter of luck or something that was 'meant to be'?

Whether or not it was a matter of luck or their destiny to end up together, there is a strong likelihood that there was an initial rapport. It's not luck when conscious intention meets purposeful action. It doesn't just happen. Two people make it happen.

Rapport is a joint effort creation -- two who are people united in purpose, who place a high value getting to know what each other thinks and feels, who want to connect deeply, and are doing so.

During a rapport, there is a bridging of experience, understanding is achieved. Let's establish one criteria of true love as being able to say, "We understand each other," which often begins during the initial encounter.

Along with the ability to achieve a deep mutual understanding is comes a variety of other pleasant surprises. When gazing into each other's eyes and communicating on a deep level, the feeling of knowing one another elevates the level of excitement. "We know each other like no one else does".

For some, the experience of being able to be completely open, free and understood may be the highest of all highs.

How long does true love last? Does it fade over time?

It is reasonable to assume that if they did it once, they could do it again. However, there are no guarantees. What bears out in reality is that true love will last as long as both people are able to continue to communicate intimately. It may work to look at each and every encounter as a relationship in itself, independent of the others. It may also be considered that when there is consistency over time, the continuity will deepen their relationship, strengthen their bond.

Is true love the same thing as "being in love?" Being with that special someone? Being number one? Being turned on? Having great sex?

What does it feel like? Is it a high or rather mundane? Does it have substance or is it merely a bundle of excitement?

Is it a long plateau of fixed contentment, like being "happy ever after?" Or, is it a never-ending, ever-deepening journey fraught with relationship threatening challenges?

Answering the above questions will require that some important distinctions be made beginning with true love versus 'being in love.' Being in love is an altered state of mind. It is a peak experience 'exciting, intense' and temporary, tantamount to being high, running on adrenalin.

When 'in love,' two people may feel extremely turned on to each other, but how intimate they are is another question. They may feel clear-headed and certain about each other while they're in love, while forgetting that they're looking at each other through the lens of idealization, and are often disillusioned and overwhelmed when reality sets in. They are expecting, assuming or hoping that their altered state of mind will last indefinitely. Chances are they don't have the experience in relationships that would tell them real intimacy is lacking or hasn't yet been achieved and/or that they haven't yet been challenged by negative feelings, conflicts or differences. It is more likely to be that they are basking in the false security of their distorted perception.

Another important distinction is true love and great sex.

Confusion is evident in the words often used to describe our sexual encounters. "We were intimate." "We made love." Physical or sexual intimacy becomes synonymous with true love or emotional intimacy. A common pitfall when there is attraction, desire, great sex, etc, is to assume more of a relationship than there is.

In light of this confusion, it's safer and more accurate to not equate true love, or, for that matter, emotional intimacy with attraction, desire or sex; and not to equate the two. Even great sex in no way guarantees emotional intimacy or a great relationship. The two are separate entities and there is no correlation between them.

One reason for this confusion is that emotional openness and sharing are considerably harder to achieve than the excitement, pleasure and ease associated with sex. Once again, it's a trap of false security.

Does true love depend on the prevailing conditions and circumstances at any given point in time, a matter of being in the right time and place?

If there are conditions and circumstances conducive for true love, we may consider them to be contextually based relationships. There is a variety of situations that fit into this category. One is when two people meet when traveling away from home, outside of their usual reality. Another is work-related. There are a great many occupations that afford co-workers intimate knowledge about each other, and endless opportunities to earn respect and trust. In the military, for example, soldiers live and train together for months, sometimes years, and must rely on each other in battle. Police and firefighters also spend large chunks of time together and must depend on each other. Actors travel the whole spectrum of emotions, baring their souls to each other. And people who've been through an extreme experience together, i.e. a natural disaster or a terrorist attack, naturally seek understanding and support from the only one who had been through the same experience.

In contrast, a natural setting is in the natural course of life, independent of an imposed structure, when you must rely solely and entirely on each other to create and sustain rapport.

In these types of situations, it's quite common to explore whether they're able to sustain intimacy, whether their relationship can continue to work outside of the context in which their relationship grew, in a natural setting. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. When their relationship works in both settings, they may be more inclined to use true love to describe their relationship.

Also, when sex enters the picture, a whole other set of dynamics will enter the picture. An intimate platonic relationship doesn't necessarily translate to a sexually intimate relationship.

When it comes to true love, intimacy may be the operative term; true love being interchangeable with true intimacy.

While intimacy may be the operative term, true love may also refer to a bond that goes above and beyond intimacy. We might say, "They are hitting on all cylinders."

What is premarital counseling?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

The best investment a young couple can make is in their relationship.

Premarital counseling goes beyond prevention by preparing a couple for the rigors of a relationship and shaping its future and quality. It is intervention at the absolutely best time, when two people have just made a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together.

It is far more challenging and unlikely for a couple who have been married for thirty years to learn how to communicate intimately when they hadn’t to begin with, unless of course, both people are ready to do what it takes.

“Relationship training” is a process of education and communication skills-building. Based on the premise that relationships continue from where they begin; that is, the patterns set at the beginning will continue throughout the course of the developing relationship. If a couple can learn how to communicate intimately with each other from the beginning, they will continue to do so throughout the course of their relationship.

Premarital counseling enables a (new) couple to identify and communicate about their fears, desires, beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and other issues and baggage that was previously avoided or denied, never discussed before. In the process, you learn about yourself and the relationship, see what it feels like to be real and honest with each other in a deep, personal way, so that you’ll be able to continue to do so in subsequent encounters.

Upon completing a regimen of pre-marital relationship training, you will have done what it takes to create the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted. You will have the understanding and ability to communicate intimately on a consistent basis; communication practice, communication that translates to respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding – the hallmark features of any intimate relationship.

Premarital counseling will also clear the way for continued emotional and spiritual fulfillment, and self growth.

Let’s consider two people, Becky and Patrick, both in their late 20s, and in love with each other. After a couple of years, they have decided to plan a future, live together, get married. A wedding date was set. More than anything, they wanted to get off to a good start.

It was apparent they were both highly stressed about how much they were fighting and how miserably they both were about their futile, hostile bouts with each other. They felt out of control and didn’t know why. They were wishing there was some way they could communicate better with each other. They came close to calling off the wedding.

In the process of exploring what was happening, it quickly became apparent that they got consumed in the wedding planning process – dates, costs, guest lists, and parents with their own ideas.

Premarital counseling afforded them the opportunity to learn how to set boundaries in a relationship. Perhaps their greatest source of stress related to the wedding had to do with being unable to set boundaries with their respective parents, and with being unable to keep their parents from undermining them, and from creating additional conflict and doubt that left Becky and Patrick paralyzed, and at odds with each other.

Their learning how to set boundaries with their parents extended to setting boundaries with each other; that is, clarifying which issues and challenges belong to whom so that they could say to each other when necessary, “That is for me to work out. You can’t help me.” Or, “This is for you to work out. I can’t help you with that.”

They gained some very profound insights about family of origin baggage they were both bringing to the relationship. Becky was able to see that she had made herself responsible for keeping Patrick happy. When Patrick wasn’t happy, Becky felt like she had failed, was not good enough, and assumed that this meant the relationship was doomed and she was the cause. She realized that most of the time when she was in conflict with Patrick about something, or when Patrick was upset about something that had nothing to do with her, she shrank just as she had in the face of her father’s relentless put-downs.

Patrick was able to make the connection between unusually high levels of anxiety and the sense of losing himself, his life and their relationship, as he had watched his parents do. He began to see that his sense of being overwhelmed and his dread about proceeding with the wedding had a lot to do with feeling buried by the onslaught of plans and commitments, and an inflated sense of responsibility for making it all work. Identifying this sinking feeling alleviated the weight, reduced his anxiety and stress.

Additionally, it was powerful for them to get how much they were reacting to other things which had little to do with what was happening in the moment, but rather to people from the past, not to each other.

Why has "separation" become a term fraught with negative connotations?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Separation is often considered to be a last resort, meaning the relationship is over. The problem is believing that what is supposed to happen in a relationship is “to be together all of the time.” There is no way to integrate or make sense of what is happening when they are at odds, conflicted, when negative feelings come up, when their differences are more pronounced than their similarities. As long as they are together, the relationship is strong. If they’re apart, it is precarious.

What happens when “I” becomes “we,” when “me and you” becomes “us?” The couple will be relying on each other, or “us,” rather than on themselves as individuals. Whatever sense of a separate self that either person might have had upon entering the relationship will eventually give way to “we” and “us.” It’s also possible that these people might not have had much of a self to begin with.

When these people find their way to couples therapy (as they inevitably will once relationship-threatening problems emerge), it often works best for them to do individual therapy first. The therapist works with them by first separating them, then putting them back together. The plan is for them to later return to couples therapy having begun the process of reclaiming themselves as individuals with separate identities, with feelings, wants and needs of their own; as “me and you.” A healthy couple is composed of two separate, distinct individuals.

When two people who have (in effect) become one are working in couples therapy, the process can become protracted and futile. The therapist must determine whether it’s best to work toward separation in couples therapy, or have both people pursuing individual therapy before returning to do work on their relationship. Individual therapy puts the focus back where it belongs – on the individual.

Sometimes separation is necessary; that is, two people have to actually separate from each other because they are too reactive and incendiary. Left to their own devices, they will only further exacerbate the situation. They may need time alone to seek out whether they want to be together or be apart. Sometimes the only hope two people have to preserve their history together, their caring and friendship, is to recognize that their relationship as it was no longer works, and that they need to separate.

couples therapy includes discussion and re-education about separation, presenting separation as a good thing, a healthy and necessary step in one’s spiritual evolution. Most couples’ problems/issues can be traced back to one or both people who realize that they stopped being themselves, feel invisible or no longer exist, and are no longer close. Often, volatility and escalation occurs because the two people don’t know how to be apart. Their existences are based on a belief that puts them into an inextricable bind. “If I express my true feelings, I will lose the relationship. In order to keep the relationship, I must misrepresent myself. I must sacrifice myself to accommodate the relationship (i.e., say or do what the other wants to hear).”

How do you distinguish between sexual and emotional intimacy?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Oftentimes sex gets confused with intimacy. Confusion is evident when words like, "We were intimate," "We made love," are used to describe what was actually a sexual encounter.

A common misconception is that emotional intimacy naturally accompanies or will follow sex. Even great sex in no way guarantees emotional intimacy or a great relationship. The two are separate entities and there is no correlation between them. Physical nakedness/sex is not the same as emotional nakedness or vulnerability or intimacy.

One explanation for this confusion is that when we're physically naked it might appear as if we're intimate and vulnerable, while on an emotional level we're not. Emotional openness and sharing are considerably harder to achieve, which makes sex the preferred mode of interaction of choice simply because it's easier and pleasurable.

It's also possible that seeing ourselves as strictly physical or sexy beings may be too demoralizing a notion. Most people would prefer to see themselves as not being ruled by purely libidinous desire, since in our culture mature adults are not supposed to act that way.

As a result, at those times when we are primarily interested in sex - not necessarily intimacy - we can't admit to ourselves that it is sex we're after, let alone talk about it. This conflict gets resolved by making more of sex than it is and making more of the relationship, and end up painfully disillusioned when discovering that it was nothing more than sex.

Acting Responsibly In The Face of Desire

Daniel Linder — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Would you like to have an affair? vs. Would you have an affair?

These are two different questions, each so volatile in nature that most of us prefer not to think about them. My purpose in asking (as well as answering them for myself) is to shed light on what might be the greatest challenge in developing and sustaining an intimate relationship: acting responsibly in the face of desire.

I've been happily married for seven years and have two children. I am strongly committed to my vows of fidelity. I'm a therapist who specializes in building intimate relationships. Yet I've recently found myself poised precariously on the edge of the forbidden zone when the opportunity to have an affair presented itself to me.

It was one of those days I would have liked to stay in bed with the covers over my head. I woke up feeling depressed and disconnected. As the day wore on, I felt increasingly stressed out, frustrated, downtrodden and totally alone. I'd describe the state of mind I was in as apathetic and reckless, though I wasn�t completely aware of it at the time. Perhaps, also, I was desperate for some excitement or relief. I was at my office and had a half hour break before my next client. What was I going to do? I thought, Why not make a trip to the mailbox and get some fresh air? On the way, I stopped at the candy store around the corner to say hi to my friend Susan who worked there.

On occasions when I had gone into the shop to get candy, we had spent several minutes chatting, and eventually we�d developed a sort of friendship. Our initial conversations centered on the many different flavors of chocolate in the store, all of which were given out as free samples on a regular basis. Then the subject shifted to movies. Then to my family members (whom she had met at various times during the year). Then to her boyfriend ("an okay weekend relationship"). Our encounters were always spontaneous since there was no pattern to my being in the mood for a treat and warm reception. Our interactions became quite playful and our playfulness naturally got physical; that is, culminating in hugs. There probably was an underlying but unexpressed attraction between us, but nothing was ever verbalized. I can't even say whether we had acknowledged these feelings to ourselves. They became clearly evident to both of us, however, one particular time. We hugged and her face turned bright red. We both laughed and went on with business as usual. This brief, seemingly innocuous interaction turned me on. I was surprised by how physically aroused I got. Not only did this experience make me more aware of our mutual attraction, my imagination was activated.

This day, it wasn't candy I wanted. I was looking for much more excitement than that, but all I was conscious of seeking was one of those warm, full-body hugs, something to lift my spirits. Susan was there. We hugged and as usual, I got aroused. I got what I had come for so I proceeded on my walk to the mailbox. During my stroll, I started fantasizing about having sex with her.

Just as I was about to enter my building I spotted her walking across the street from the opposite direction. I was amazed; it seemed impossible that sufficient time had passed for her to be where she was. As she was walking towards me, I thought how great it would be if she came up to my office. What if I asked her to come up? Would she want to come up? Would she get it on with me? Do I have enough time? She'd be into it! I stood there waiting for her approach, frozen in fantasy. I wasn't sure what to say to her. Feigning surprise, I yelled, "How did you get here so fast?" Apparently, she didn't hear what I had asked her. She responded, "You want me to see your office?� It was as if she heard my thinking. �Yeah,� I said. �That's a great idea.�

There we were in my office at ten after five (and a client scheduled at 5:30), with still enough time for us to have sex, albeit a quickie. We both seemed to be at a loss for words and fumbled through the obvious small-talk about how nice my office was, etc. After a few minutes, she looked at me and suggested it was time for her to return to the candy store. I didn't know whether I was disappointed or relieved. After a few seconds of hesitation, I agreed. "I guess you have to get back," I said. As she left, I stood there wondering, what if she had closed the door of my office and said, "Okay. You want me? Now you can have me." I don't know what I would have done.

Even the first question, �would you like to have an affair?� which is the more benign one, makes my heart palpitate. A voice in the back of my mind tells me that my answer is not supposed to be Yes, that people who are happily married, committed to vows of fidelity and who are entrusted to guide others on matters of the heart should not be thinking about having affairs. But there's another voice telling me that it is perfectly okay to want to have an affair. My wishes and desires are my private business. It's not like I did anything. Besides, how uncommon is it to fantasize about having an affair? The idea must cross everyone's mind one time or another.

So the truth is, sure, I'd like to have an affair. Given the right conditions, I can't think of anything more exciting. It depends on how I'm feeling. When I'm deeply frustrated and stressed out, the fantasy draws the most attention and is most tantalizing. But when I'm feeling greater satisfaction in my work and relationships, it's a different story. I'm not looking for an escape. I'm too busy doing other, more important things, to be bothered. It goes from one extreme to the other. Some days, there's nothing I'd rather think about and some days the thought never enters my mind. Clearly, the difference is how replenished and fulfilled I feel.

Imagine for a moment what it would be like to have an affair. For me, it's the ultimate fantasy � a sexual interlude in which I am not encumbered by inhibition. One in which there's no emotional baggage whatsoever for either one of us: no conflicts, differences or negative feelings. She expects nothing from me and I expect nothing from her. There's nothing about her I dislike and she wants me unconditionally. She knows exactly what to say and do, without my telling her. She just knows. She is the safest woman on the planet for I can open up about anything and she'll comfort me with understanding. There's no one like her. It's the same thing every time: we can't wait to "make love," the "love-making" is more wild and passionate than any I've ever experienced; then we part with no guilt or obligation, only with appreciation and anticipation of our next encounter, whenever it will be. There's no such thing as stress when we're together, it doesn't exist. No stress!

Could having an affair with Susan be this good? Perhaps. If it were this good the first time, would it continue to be so in subsequent encounters? It�s doubtful, because the reality cannot match our fantasies. Reality and fantasy are two different realms of experience. Yet they are connected.

Here�s an analogy: you're on a desert in the sweltering heat without water, and all you can think about is an oasis. Then you see one and you're ecstatic. Unless you were on a desert dying of thirst, you wouldn't experience excitement or desire. Under normal circumstances, �oasis� would be just another word, a purely intellectual concept having no emotional impact.

We fantasize. about things that are missing in our lives, which is why fantasy works so well as an escape. If they weren't missing, we wouldn't be fantasizing about them, we wouldn't be excited or feel much desire. Any desire we did feel would occur in the context of reality. We would consider the consequences and they'd most likely deter us from acting on it.

If, in my mind, Susan was anything other than a fantasy figure, I wouldn't have been at all excited by the idea of having an affair with her. The moment the fantasy resembled reality; that is, involving a real person with real needs, a real relationship with the ups and downs that go with it and a real life with any level of stress, it would have been destroyed. I didn't want to have anything to do with reality. My "close call" encounter with Susan had less to do with Susan the person than it did with my need to escape my pain, which, relatively speaking, was quite substantial at the time. Clearly, my imagination and the accompanying excitement was nothing more than a temporary reprieve from how I was feeling at the time, which was sexually frustrated, emotionally isolated and stressed out.

Fortunately, I didn't push it with Susan. I knew that my fantasy wasn't going to translate into reality, and that the actual experience would fall way short of how I imagined it. Somehow I knew�there's the build-up, the orgasm but then the crash�What now? What happened to the excitement? Did I want to be involved with Susan in this way? I knew that at the core of my excitement was a need to escape, and relied on my imagination to provide it. Apparently, the fantasy was enough for the time being.

Fantasizing poses no risk unless, of course, we can't distinguish between reality and fantasy and we act based on this confusion. What made it possible for me to make these distinctions was my willingness to acknowledge my wishes and desires regardless of whether I considered them impossible, forbidden and outright "wrong."

Understanding how my imagination works made all the difference in the world. I know there's no stopping my imagination. As long as I'm feeling frustrated or in pain, my imagination will be operating � if not consciously, then unconsciously. It's when it is unconscious that I'm most prone to making choices that I would regret. I don't want be act on my desire when I'm deluding myself about what is happening, when there is no distinction between reality and fantasy. I want to be conscious of when I'm fantasizing and be able to enjoy my fantasy, the accompanying excitement but have my actions be based in reality.

Even though my understanding of what my excitement was all about influenced my behavior (i.e., I didn't initiate sexual contact), it doesn't mean that if the opportunity presented itself on another occasion and I was in the same state of mind, I'd necessarily act the same way, which leads to the next question.

If the situation presented itself, would you have an affair? This question implies action, and therefore, increases the stakes considerably.

Anything desired or imaginable can be acted upon. However, the moment a fantasy is acted on, it becomes a real experience and is no longer a fantasy.

Whereas before I might have been poised precariously on the edge of infidelity, had I acted on my desire�if Susan and I had actually had sex, I'd be falling over the edge. The nature of our relationship would have changed from platonic to sexual, from friendly acquaintance to secret lover, with no way to undo that shift.

Furthermore, whether it would have been a "one-time" occurrence, a sporadic or regular one, I would have either had to lie in order to maintain the affair, or else confess it to my wife. Concealment would create a wedge between my wife and me that would probably increase in size as time went by, especially if the "one time" occurrence became a two or more time occurrence. Undoubtedly, confession would precipitate a monumental upset in our marriage. Any one of these scenarios poses undesirable consequences.

The voice in the back of my mind is saying, "Don't incriminate yourself.� But the truth is, I could have an affair. If I was sufficiently run down and the opportunity presented itself, I'd be walking a tight-rope. It doesn't matter how happily married I am or how high my integrity or my status might be. I know that when I'm feeling depressed, apathetic, frustrated, etc., I want immediate relief. I don't think about consequences. In a weak moment, I can act impulsively. Furthermore, if Susan and I had had sex that day, I'd probably have kept it a secret. I could deny this dark part of myself; the part that can lie to get what I want, but I'd only be deceiving myself. I'm capable of dishonesty and deception.

With regards to the encounter with Susan, knowing the part of myself that is capable of dishonesty and in this case, betrayal, made me take nothing for granted.

Being aware that I'm capable of putting myself into a situation that I'd regret later made me carefully assess the situation and consider the potential consequences, determining factors in my choosing to not act on impulse. From a short-term perspective, I was left wondering �how great it would have been," and was even more aware of my pain with no way to escape it. From a longer-term perspective, the terrible state of mind I was in at the time eventually changed to one more positive. I was relieved I didn't have to deal with Susan (after having sex with her), or insert any guilt, lies or crises in my marriage.

When we look at this situation in terms of a trade-off, i.e., immediate relief for responsibility, we can see that our consciousness is desire's worst enemy. My being conscious enabled me to act responsibly and acting responsibly made me feel more powerful and secure in myself. It gave me the knowledge that I can tolerate frustration, act in a way that is consistent with my top priorities and be undaunted by even the most compelling distractions.

The fact is every one of us can have a breakdown. It depends on how out of touch we are with our hunger and vulnerability. When we're going through life seemingly in tact, yet out of touch with our pain and desperation for escape, we�re walking time bombs. The odds are that it will be only a matter of time before the right person comes along and opportunity to have an affair presents itself. The rest will be history � our desire will be all-consuming,we'll idealize the person and the relationship, and blindourselves to the impact it will have on our lives.

Is it true, once an addict, always an addict?

Daniel Linder — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

It’s probably every addict’s dream to one day be able to use a substance or engage in an activity recreationally or in a controlled manner. The only problem is that it is impossible to do so. Forgetting that addiction is permanent can (and often does) occur at any time during sobriety. It is also common for the addict to forget that, regardless of how many years one has been sober, one-time use means relapse.

Forgetting, disbelief or doubt is denial rising to the occasion, in synch with the dependency. They work in tandem; one never exists without the other. The longer time the addict stays sober, the easier it is for him or her to forget that s/he will never be able to use without getting hooked all over again.

However, at any moment, the thought could pop into one’s mind: I could use on a once-in-a-while basis without any consequences. The addict will then go on to prove him/herself wrong, but not until s/he bottoms out.

The addict will always be susceptible to relapse. The effect or high is irreversible; that is, the substance or activity forever remains as an extraordinarily powerful need-gratifying agent guaranteed to provide extraordinary relief.

Should sexual attraction ever be the basis for pursuing a relationship?

Daniel Linder — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +800

Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction. When we are sexually attracted to someone, there is a synergistic interplay between our bodies, our emotions and our imaginations. The physical aspect (bodily arousal, sexual desire) is conscious and real, compelling enough by itself; unconscious and unmet emotional needs can get triggered and the level of excitement is further heightened. All the while, our imagination is operating, unconsciously, distorting our perceptions.

Although mutual sexual attraction may be the most common deciding factor for pursuing a relationship, it may also be highly unreliable as a predictor of a viable one. The problem is that whenever there is an attraction, physical and emotional excitement are heightened and objectivity is compromised. It’s similar to being in love, when one easily becomes blinded by idealization and excitement.

The healthiest case scenario is when other factors are already established independently from, or in addition to, strong attraction or the state of being in love. Keep in mind that emotional safety, rapport, and the ability to achieve understanding and resolve conflict are potential turn-ons in themselves. When two people who aren’t initially attracted to each other are relating on a deep, personal level, attraction and excitement are natural responses to being intimate. If they are attracted and have rapport, they can and often do become more attracted. The ability to create intimacy on the spot, and the quality of the rapport experienced are more reliable predictors of the viability of a relationship.

Me, You, Us - Entering the Sacred Space of Co-creation

Daniel Linder — Tue, 24 May 2011 23:00:00 +800

Intimacy is something we all want, yet it remains elusive, rare and mysterious. Some people have intimate relationships, but most don't. Lack of relationship fulfillment is the norm. Many of us want to know how to establish an intimate relationship-from single people who are wondering why they are still single to those in relationships who want a healthier, more nourishing connection with their partner. Throngs of people are clamoring for direction.

What is intimacy? How does it happen? What is entailed?

Intimacy is the coming together of two separate selves in a joint-effort creation: You and Me make Us.

Something happens in that space of co-creation where intimacy happens, something invisible and magical, something sacred, spiritual in nature. A bridge is built, upon which there is a steady stream of energy flowing back and forth, an exchange of essences, where understanding and closeness are achieved, where an indestructible bond develops. Us is sacred, one of a kind, special and unique unto itself, just as You and Me are special and unique. Us becomes an entity unto itself and a source of vital nourishment. Intimacy, the product of co-creation, is a life-sustaining force that feeds You and Me.

Intimacy doesn't just happen. It's not random. It doesn't occur in a vacuum. Intimacy is a creative process, an art. Like acting or painting, it takes years of honing your craft before you master it. Anyone can do it, but very few do, and fewer achieve mastery. It requires self-awareness, self-reliance, trust in the process, strong motivation, communication skills and steady practice.

It doesn't matter who you are, intimacy is a monumental challenge. Intimacy entails (emotional) vulnerability, and most people have quite a bit of difficulty being vulnerable in a relationship and often enter into the sacred space in a state of defense. Painful experiences from past and current relationships make most people want to protect themselves at all costs. Learning how to navigate the treacherous terrain of relationships, where experience and ability are relative from person to person, where few have the understanding and skills that make intimacy possible, takes time and experience, and self-growth.

Hope lies in the fact that regardless of your experience in relationships; doing some intensive self-work combined with relationship training may be all you need to make qualitative changes in all of your relationships.

Intimacy begins with rapport.

Rapport occurs when two people are entranced in conversation. They are listening and responding to each other spontaneously, without self-monitoring or anticipating what is going to happen next or worried about making a good impression. They are in a zone, in that sacred space, immersed in a naturally unfolding process, untainted by the wish for a desired outcome. Both people are highly interested in the process -- "unconditionally interested" in the process -- eager to engage, get to know each other and discover what they can create together. They live for realness, intensity, openness and truth, and are not likely to shy away from negative feelings, conflicts or differences. When you watch a couple in rapport, it is as if they are dancing-their postures, gestures and expressions mirror each other and they give a sense of intense engagement.

Before intimacy there is rapport. Where there is rapport, there is a connection. The question is often asked, "Is rapport the same as when there is chemistry between two people?" We are referring to the ability to interact in a way in which there is attunement on both verbal and non-verbal levels. When describing her experience when meeting someone for the first time a client said, "Something was going on. Can't quite put my finger on it. We were just able to understand each other in a very deep way." That's rapport.

Attraction, when combined with unconditional interest, heightens rapport. All the while there is the sense that something deep and profound is happening. Understanding is achieved, and like attraction, strengthens rapport.

I've heard it said and I concur, "Rapport is everything." Nothing is more telling about the future of a relationship than the quality of rapport two people who don't know each other can generate. Most people put physical attraction, great sex, common interests and a whole slew of other faulty criteria at the top of their list of what is most important when deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship.

Enter the sacred space with a ‘clean slate.'

How can you become more skilled at rapport? Cultivate the proper state of mind. Expanding on the concept of "unconditional interest," the ideal state of mind can be likened to a ‘clean slate', characterized by openness and being fully present in the moment, where there is no past or future, only the here and now. An important aspect of the ideal state of mind is the ability to take attention off of yourself and put it on the other person. Any time two people are together a whole new play is about to unfold. A ‘clean slate' will dramatically reduce the extent to which preconceived notions, inaccurate interpretations, and emotional baggage from previous and/or current relationships taint what would otherwise be pure and organic creation.

The most important relationship is with yourself.

If you want to enter the sacred space of co-creation where You and Me become Us, it's necessary to have a self to bring. Having a self is what makes rapport building, "unconditional interest" and a "clean slate" possible. At the bare minimum, self-awareness in involved. You must have relationship with yourself. You (and Me) will not need someone else to validate your existence or worth. You're entering the space as a full and whole entity unto yourself. You will not expect or depend on another to feel good about yourself and you won't measure yourself against how he or she responds to you. Your behavior is internally based and purpose driven.

Self- awareness makes it possible to accurately represent yourself. If you are out of touch with what you're thinking and feeling, you will not be seen, known or understood. Self-awareness extends to intuitive alertness as well, which enables you to pick up on non-verbal communication (attitude, tone of voice, body language, eye contact, demeanor) and danger signals. How else will you be able to take care of yourself and/or exercise healthy self-interest in any relationship?

Where there is intimacy, there is understanding.

Understanding may be defined as when one's experience registers with the other. Understanding is a basic human need and therefore provides vital nourishment to You and Me. It can also relieve pain sourced from relationships in which isolation, disconnection and the lack of intimacy and love have prevailed.

Most people can look back on their lives and relationships and can remember feeling, thinking or saying at one time or another, "All I want is to be understood."

You and Me will not be able to create an Us characterized by intimacy and understanding. Again, without self-awareness, achieving understanding when neither person has the necessary self-awareness becomes a mountainous task. How can you get to know me if I can't accurately represent myself? How can I get to know you if you can't accurately represent yourself? How can I be intimate with you if I'm not intimate with myself?

Whenever entering the sacred space of co-creation, it's incumbent upon you to be able to put whatever is going on in your life aside. If you are distracted, running on empty, overly stressed, in a bad mood, the other person's experience may not register and you may be running the risk of your mood tainting your perceptions. You may be relating to the person you're with more as an extension of yourself, than as a separate entity. Chances are you'll be in a reaction mode that takes you out of the moment and distances you from the person you're with.

The best thing you can do for Us is to care for yourself.

Caring for yourself means being able to identify what issues, struggles or challenges are yours, and therefore your responsibility to resolve and not use the relationship (Us) to do so. The key factor determining the quality and longevity of a relationship is the ability to distinguish between what issues are yours, what are your partner's and what and when the two of you must come together to resolve (Yours, Mine, Ours). It's in the sacred space of co-creation where You and Me make Us; where each person's differences are illuminated, conflicts resolved and where intimacy and understanding are achieved.

"No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

Daniel Linder — Mon, 23 May 2011 23:00:00 +800

Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. As long as I'm not using and we're not using and are in a program, I'm safe. Not so fast. Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, "Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated."

Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population. Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule

Despite one's best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to "choosing" between "one step at a time" versus "all at once," thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don't realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.

The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It's the sex. Sex tends to increase one's level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by splitting off from their feelings; that is, are more likely to engage in sexual relationships while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each one's inability to manage his/her own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually jeopardize the developing relationship.

What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the "sleeping giant" -- the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The "giant" awakens (emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness.

It's during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction. A year of sobriety and "relationship abstinence" is meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one's own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one's own emotional care. Rather than relying on an external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to do, s/he begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment.

"The most important relationship is with oneself" poses a complete paradigm shift to the recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn't lapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they've been accustomed to do all of their lives; that is to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing emotionally.

When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it's only be a matter of time before increasing strife, stress and dysfunction lead to the relationship's demise. An additional factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of relapse.

At the 5 month point of a sustained period of "relationship abstinence", Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been sober 10 years.

After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the "writing was on the wall." Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait "so long." When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, "Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual. That's all." She was referring his anticipated return from being out of town for several days. She didn't want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did. She didn't want to end up calling him before he called her, but she just couldn't wait.

There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him, i.e. expressing a desire to celebrate his birthday together and a dinner invitation, he suggested they "play it by ear," she noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him.

It was apparent that Linda was looking for assurances that he is still interested. When his assurances weren't forthcoming, she reacted as if he wasn't being truthful, that he really wasn't interested in her or the relationship, which wasn't the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn't see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.

The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict; taking the time -- how ever long the process of self-reclamation takes, before entering into a sexually, intimate relationship.

"No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety" is merely a reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship. This is also the time to gain experience in a (platonic) intimate relationship.

What is a "clean slate?"

Daniel Linder — Sat, 14 May 2011 23:00:00 +800

A "clean slate" is a precursor to building rapport. It means entering into an encounter in the spirit of discovery, in a state of mind characterized by openness and spontaneity. It also means being in the moment.

The first time two people are together, we can say in effect that a new play is about to open. The dialogue and drama are unfolding right then and there. There shouldn’t be any preference or investment in any specific outcome, but rather a steady openness to discovering how you feel being together. Unfortunately, too often, the stage has already been set, the dialogue scripted, and the relationship is doomed before it ever begins.

Preconceived notions about what is supposed to happen, and the kind of person and relationship you’re looking for, all contaminate the “clean slate.” Instead of responding to someone spontaneously, you’re measuring the person against pictures in your head and not assessing the level of rapport you’ve achieved or discovering how you feel being together. If the person you are with for the first time matches your pictures, the tendency is to assume greater relationship potential than is in fact present, making a disillusioning crash inevitable. A “sight unseen” selection process misses out on far more reliable information about relationship potential. More often than not, the person you end up developing a relationship with is not one who matches those pictures.

How well does the disease concept apply to addiction?

Daniel Linder — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 23:00:00 +800

The disease concept had a humanizing effect and lessoned the impact of the stigma attached to alcoholism/addiction. This shift in perception ran counter to the prevailing ignorance at a time when alcoholism/addiction problems were associated with a lack of willpower and/or moral character.

However, while the medical model led to a more compassionate and enlightened approach, it left gaping holes in our knowledge base. The disease concept doesn’t adequately explain what an addiction is, how it works (in terms of emotional and psychological dynamics); nor does it adequately account for etiology (why people become addicted.) In terms of treatment implications, it makes for a short-sighted vision as to what treatment and recovery entail.

The relationship aspect and emotional dynamics of the disease were never included by the medical establishment as these issues are not befitting of the scientific method; viewed as subjective in nature and therefore untreatable.

Extending the relationship concept to the disease merely implies that a relationship is established, a pathological relationship – not with another person (although it could be with another person), but rather with an object, a source of relief; in other words, a substance or activity. It may not be a relationship with a person, but it is a real relationship nevertheless.

This relationship takes over the person’s functioning. It is a survival-based attachment, the primary relationship in the addict’s life, more powerful than any other. There is no emotional nourishment provided in this relationship, only relief: relief that is artificially induced and short-lived. It’s a relationship that is emotionally-driven, not physically – especially in the earlier stages, before a physical tolerance develops. It may be likened to falling in love – or, more accurately, to a secret love affair.

Understanding etiology (why people become addicted in the first place) is another area that is not adequately addressed by the traditional medical model. The medical model explains etiology in terms of genetics and chemical imbalances, when these are really only correlates, not causes. The countless number of addicts who don’t necessarily fall into those categories remains unaccounted for. Why do people get into pathological relationships? Why do people get into relationships with sources of relief rather than emotionally nourishing ones?

Addiction can be sourced back to the existence and preponderance of non-emotionally nourishing relationships, both past and present, and to the residue of pain they leave behind. We may describe the psychosocial context of addiction as widespread and pervasive emotional deprivation.

The greater the level of pent-up pain from unmet emotional needs, the greater the need to relieve that pain, and the more susceptible one is to a source of relief, to getting involved in yet another non-emotionally nourishing relationship.

From a relationship perspective, it becomes clear that the need to relieve the backlog of emotional pain from non-emotionally nourishing relationships is the driving force of addiction.

There are treatment and recovery implications when using this relationship model for understanding the emotional dynamics of addiction. Traditional recovery and treatment approaches target restoration of behavioral stability and baseline functioning as primary goals. These approaches also include the need for lifelong participation in a 12-step fellowship, which is integral to any recovery program. It is clear that the fellowship is a vital and indispensable source of sober support, a place to go for a sobering reminder about what it means to be an addict.

However, for many addicts, many questions remain unanswered. What’s next? What is beyond sobriety? Based on this relationship model of addiction, the ability to create emotionally nourishing relationships is key to a quality, sustained recovery. Getting beyond sobriety means gaining the experience and skills necessary for transforming the quality of one’s relationships.