FAQ
How important is being "in love" when assessing the viability or quality of a relationship?
Many people wonder whether there is something inherently wrong or ominous if they do not feel “in love.”
Being in love should not be a prerequisite in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship, nor in assessing the long-term prognosis for, or quality of, any relationship. A common pitfall is to confuse being in love with loving each other and with being intimate. The key is to see the distinction between the two, the distinction between fantasy and reality.
To be in love is to be in an altered state of mind. It is a peak experience – exciting, intense… and temporary. Our tendency is to want to be in love all the time. Although two people may feel clear-headed and certain about each other while they’re in love, they forget that they’re looking at each other through the lens of idealization, and will become disillusioned and overwhelmed when reality sets in. They see each other as they wish the other to be, as opposed to who the other person really is; they wish to keep the other perched indefinitely on a pedestal. Judgment is impaired, perceptions skewed and objectivity compromised. While people’s tendency is to over-rely on being in love and get swept into the excitement of the experience, it’s actually in one’s own best interests (as well as the interests of the relationship) to proceed cautiously, knowing that one’s perceptions are likely to be unreliable.
In contrast to being in love, loving each other is rather ordinary, but solid and emotionally nourishing, bringing with it a subtle depth of feeling and the ability to be real and true, the ability to be vulnerable. Respect and trust grow over time. When in love, we are slaves to our inflated distortions, setting ourselves up for a guaranteed crash that occurs when one cannot live up to the other’s expectations.
Many people have a hard time accepting reality, especially in relation to being in love. The tendency is to want to kill the de-mystifying messenger. When being in love is confused with love itself, the temporary high and excitement is mistaken for something solid and lasting and real. Being in love is based on denial, delusion and self-deception, whereas love is an exchange that carries over time and has a life of its own.
It’s common for people to assume that being in love lasts indefinitely. It’s only a matter of time before reality sets in. What happens when a whole set of new influences impinge on the relationship? The couple is tested, forced to face themselves and each other and decide what it is they are really after… an altered state, an unreal world, or intimacy?
The quality and resilience of any relationship often depends on the couple’s ability to communicate effectively and to work through differences, conflicts and negative feelings (i.e., anger, disappointment, misunderstanding, and mistrust). All this is far more challenging than being in an altered state.
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About Daniel Linder, MFT
Relationships. I was born with a keen sense about relationships, was always assessing how close and intimate people are with each other. I had a knack for relationships. The importance of relationships cuts to the core of who I am. The combination of clinical training, 25 years of professional experience treating dysfunctional, non-intimate couples and families, as well as rigorous self analysis has given me a lot to work with. I put what seemed to come naturally to me under a microscope in an effort to break the process of building healthy relationships down to concrete essentials: Understanding of Basic Principles, Communication Skills, Self-realization and Intimacy.