FAQ
How does one demystify sexual attraction?
There may not be a more mystifying phenomenon than sexual attraction. When we are attracted to someone, our perceptions, motivation, thoughts, feelings and behavior are profoundly affected. Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction.
There are three basic components of sexual attraction: what is experienced by our bodies (physical), what is experienced by our emotions (needs), and what is experienced by our imagination; they operate simultaneously and synergistically.
Our Bodies
From a purely physical standpoint, there is nothing mystical or magical about sexual attraction. Feeling attracted is accompanied by bodily arousal, desire, excitement, and pleasure, which are all part of our biological make-up.
Emotions
Similarly, we are born with a wide spectrum of emotional needs. Our need for emotional nourishment is as, if not more, powerful than physical and sexual needs. If our relationships have not and do not provide the requisite emotional nourishment, the need to relieve the resulting frustration will play out in our relationships. Unmet emotional needs get projected onto others, making other people the satisfier of those needs.
There is an unconscious process of objectification that renders us unable to consider other criteria for selecting a partner and for staying in the relationship. We get drawn to others who, for as long as they can, either satisfy unmet emotional needs or serve in some way to relieve our pain. But since unmet emotional needs operate unconsciously, we attribute our interest or desire to other qualities – along the lines of character and compatibility – thus completely deluding ourselves. Problems will naturally arise when unmet emotional needs take hold. This happens when one or the other’s needs change, or when one (for any reason) stops satisfying the other’s needs – at which time there is no longer any basis for the relationship.
Imagination
Our imagination is as basic to the human condition as are our physical and emotional needs. Imagination is a healthy and integral part of life; we rely on our imaginations to reduce stress and relieve frustration stemming from unmet physical and emotional needs. However, we aren’t always aware of when our imagination is operating. When we’re unaware, fantasy and reality can become indistinguishable and interchangeable, and imagination can easily become a substitute for the real thing.
Sexual attraction occurs on both conscious and unconscious levels, blends together both physical and emotional experiences, and can be both real and imagined. The overall effect is synergistic; that is, every component enhances the others. Physical arousal is compelling enough by itself; it is conscious and real. When it is combined with the power of unconscious unmet emotional needs and the imagination, it has unlimited mystifying potential.
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About Daniel Linder, MFT
Relationships. I was born with a keen sense about relationships, was always assessing how close and intimate people are with each other. I had a knack for relationships. The importance of relationships cuts to the core of who I am. The combination of clinical training, 25 years of professional experience treating dysfunctional, non-intimate couples and families, as well as rigorous self analysis has given me a lot to work with. I put what seemed to come naturally to me under a microscope in an effort to break the process of building healthy relationships down to concrete essentials: Understanding of Basic Principles, Communication Skills, Self-realization and Intimacy.