He wants to marry me. He wanted to marry me pretty much from the first date. We’ve been together 3 months and he’s devastated that I’m not on the same page with him and I feel extremely pressured. Now what? I do NOT like this feeling.
Response from Daniel….
The ‘red flag’ is “wanting to marry you from the first date.” This kind of communication doesn’t bode well for the duration and quality of the developing relationship, as well it doesn’t bode well for you if you took him seriously. “Future tripping” might feel exciting, has a romantic aura, however when you skip forward the relationship may not, and often does not ever catch up with it. A far more reliable criteria to base the decision to continue seeing someone or not, or assessing whether or not a relationship has legs and whether it will be an intimate, emotionally nourishing one is the quality of rapport that was established from the beginning and continued since its inception. Rapport has to do with being fully present in the moment with, a free flow conversation without trying to make an impression or be romantic per se or “future tripping”, listening and responding to each other without anticipating what is going to happen next; characterized by interest, honesty and understanding.
He not being on the same page with you after (only) 3 months attests to your health and reality based thinking. Recommended is going to couples therapy together so that he could see the need to slow down so that the relationship can develop organically and needs to learn how to do that. This may make him realize that he needs to do some intensive self-work so he no longer sabotages relationships by blowing through them so quickly.