I am a beautiful African American woman with a 20 yr old son. I?m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and have been really working on patterns and all that good stuff. My son?s father is a pot smoker for 30 years now. We haven?t been together for over 7 years. He is a part time father, pays more attention to the women in his life, than my son, who doesn?t seem to mind since he is 20 and has his own life. He also smokes pot. I am pissed off at the past and the present. How do I let go of the anger I have toward him? He has abandoned me and my son and now has this cocky attitude that hurts me. Here I?ve done all this work and he just married a 26 yr old. He?s 51. I also keep attracting the same guys as him. He may not smoke pot, but they?re always unavailable, or just stop calling. I’m smart, funny, pretty, African dancer, but its that same man who works too much or just the same shit –different face and race. It?s freaking unbelievable (smile.) Help. Thanks so much. Peace and love.
Response from Daniel?..
When there is a pattern of attracting the wrong kind of person, i.e. emotionally unavailable, addicted over a long period of time, usually unconscious unmet emotional needs are driving your attraction and selection of mate. You?re relying on imagination that enables you to inflate the character and compatibility of the people you get involved with, idealization at the expense of reality. You can be getting very little nourishment but act as if your getting a lot more than you are, or that you will get more some day in the future by becoming the person you think he wants you to be. Given that it appears the you don’t know how to take care of yourself, that you don’t put your needs first or heed internal warning signals, nor identify them as such, I suggest that you take a hiatus from relationships to do the necessary self-work that will empower you to break this pattern. Low self-esteem issues and self-worth are likely at play here as well. In order to attract men who are more emotionally available and stable, it is necessary to have reached a point in your own emotional development when you distinguish between the kind of mate or relationship you don’t want from the ones that you do, and act accordingly.
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