She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me.

I have been married for 3 years. My wife proposed to me and I have offered her a great life. She asked me for a child and I agreed. Our child is 2.5. She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me. I am very good at meeting women and I am attractive and successful. The man she chose lived with his mother and had no job. This simple fact has broken my self esteem. I love her and she says she loves me. we are together since the man just used her and she said she missed her family. So she came back. Why do I feel like I can?t let her GO! Or have enough respect for my self to send her on her way. I love her so much I know that. Is this truly repairable? Or am I letting her ruin my life also? Is there medication to make me be able to be happy being alone?

Response from Daniel?.

There are a number of comments to make in response to your entry…

“I have been married for 3 years. My wife proposed to me and I have offered her a great life. She asked me for a child and I agreed.”

There is something missing here, some kind of disconnect. What’s most apparent is compliance without communication. It sounds like you both went through the engagement/proposal process and decision-making regarding having a child like robots, like she asked you to go to the store and get a quart of milk for her and you said, “Sure.” I’m left wondering how much you talked about any of it, if, at all.

“She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me. I am very good at meeting women and I am attractive and successful. The man she chose lived with his mother and had no job.”

Again, there is “more than meets the eye.” It sounds like your criteria for measuring the quality of your relationship is based solely on credentials, rather than on rapport, understanding or communication. You seem to have a preconceived notion that being attractive and successful translates to an healthy, intimate relationship and that living with your mother and having no job automatically spells disaster. Although you were devastated upon discovering the affair, this relationship may have been doomed from the beginning, and that you may have been in denial about some of the things that were not working and it took an affair to open your eyes.

“Why do I feel like I can’t let her GO! Or have enough respect for my self to send her on her way. I love her so much I know that. Is this truly repairable? Or am I letting her ruin my life also?

Is it love that is driving your behavior? Most people presume that love is enough, but actually the ability to achieve understanding may be an overriding factor determining the quality and longevity of a relationship. Many people will say that the need to be understood is stronger than the need to be loved or to love. In your case, it is likely that unconscious dependency needs are driving your behavior, and that you’re hanging on to some kind of illusion about who she is. Realizing that she isn’t the person thought she was, wished her to be or thought she should be will, no doubt, be a rude awakening. In order to fix the relationship, you must first fix yourself. If you haven’t learned how to take care of yourself in relationships, you will no doubt be more susceptible to “letting here ruin your life.”

“Is there medication to make me be able to be happy being alone?”

There is no medication that will make you happy being alone. Medication will only serve to cut you off from your feelings and numb your anxieties related to being alone. Only a period of intensive self work and a spiritual program can do that. Individual therapy can help you develop the most important relationship — with yourself. When you have yourself, you are never alone.

Fast Addiction, Recovery CEU’s http://www.relationshipvision.com

author Daniel Linder
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