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"No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"
Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. As long as I'm not using and we're not using and are in a program, I'm safe. Not so fast. Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, "Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated."
Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population. Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule
Despite one's best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.
Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to "choosing" between "one step at a time" versus "all at once," thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don't realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.
The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It's the sex. Sex tends to increase one's level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by splitting off from their feelings; that is, are more likely to engage in sexual relationships while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each one's inability to manage his/her own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually jeopardize the developing relationship.
What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the "sleeping giant" -- the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The "giant" awakens (emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness.
It's during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction. A year of sobriety and "relationship abstinence" is meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one's own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one's own emotional care. Rather than relying on an external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to do, s/he begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment.
"The most important relationship is with oneself" poses a complete paradigm shift to the recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn't lapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they've been accustomed to do all of their lives; that is to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing emotionally.
When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it's only be a matter of time before increasing strife, stress and dysfunction lead to the relationship's demise. An additional factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of relapse.
At the 5 month point of a sustained period of "relationship abstinence", Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been sober 10 years.
After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the "writing was on the wall." Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait "so long." When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, "Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual. That's all." She was referring his anticipated return from being out of town for several days. She didn't want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did. She didn't want to end up calling him before he called her, but she just couldn't wait.
There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him, i.e. expressing a desire to celebrate his birthday together and a dinner invitation, he suggested they "play it by ear," she noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him.
It was apparent that Linda was looking for assurances that he is still interested. When his assurances weren't forthcoming, she reacted as if he wasn't being truthful, that he really wasn't interested in her or the relationship, which wasn't the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn't see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.
The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict; taking the time -- how ever long the process of self-reclamation takes, before entering into a sexually, intimate relationship.
"No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety" is merely a reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship. This is also the time to gain experience in a (platonic) intimate relationship.
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About Daniel Linder, MFT
Relationships. I was born with a keen sense about relationships, was always assessing how close and intimate people are with each other. I had a knack for relationships. The importance of relationships cuts to the core of who I am. The combination of clinical training, 25 years of professional experience treating dysfunctional, non-intimate couples and families, as well as rigorous self analysis has given me a lot to work with. I put what seemed to come naturally to me under a microscope in an effort to break the process of building healthy relationships down to concrete essentials: Understanding of Basic Principles, Communication Skills, Self-realization and Intimacy.
Tim
15th Mar 2011
I am 47 years old and a sex addict, including compulsive gambling. I am have been in the program for about 4 yrs with GA and 1.5 yrs in SAA. My marriage of 22 yrs is destroyed because of these addictions. But still have much loneliness and want to be with a great woman but don't want to ruin it either. I have a ways to go.
Lanny
3rd Apr 2011
Daniel,
Please tell us where in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous this "cardinal" rule is laid out? You didn't cite it because there it doesn't exist, at least not in the 12 steps nor anywhere in the entire book. In fact, on page 99, as to whether a couple should re-unite, the Book specifically recognizes that, "Obviously, no rule can be laid down."
Anectdotes aren't what we alcoholics have to come to rely on, Danield, nor should we, and there are pleny of anectdotes that contradict yours. Love is a gift from God. And each one of us has our own path to recovery through the steps and reliance on our Higher Power. The Big Book clearly says that, which is why it is full of information about how to live with and love other people. Portions of chapters are devoted toward building and rebuilding relationships, including horribly damaged marriages. Every relationship is different because every couple is different.
Read the Big Book before you dispense with information about the 12 step program, Daniel. You might learn something!
Susan
18th Dec 2011
Wow! I read the article thoroughly and the author never said that this piece of advice is part of the 12-Step program. He merely said that recovering addicts in the 12-Step programs hear this advice all of the time.
Furthermore, the author never refers to re-establishing or fortifying pre-exsitent relationships. He is simply relaying why it is important to spend some quality time working on your issues before engaging in *new* intimate relationships.
Personally, I have noticed that the people who refuse this wisdom tend to be dry drunks, those who are not willing to accept that they still have much work to do before they are emotionally healthy. I have to wonder if those who forgo this advice simply want *someone* to help fill the void instead of learning to fill that void in themselves. If a person truly wanted a healthy relationship, he or she would wait until they are healthy themselves. And if you truly cared about someone who is a recovering addict, you would *want* to give that person the space and time to do the work.
Lynn
26th Jan 2012
I have been involved with a re-recovering alcoholic for six years. He just recently left me for a recovering alcoholic he met at an AA meeting. She has six months of sobriety, he doesn't have a week. I'm anxiously waiting to see what happens. I'm probably going to have to pick up the pieces left like I always do.
Daniel Linder, MFT
28th Jan 2012
Sounds like you're on your own recovery journey from codependency. Given that your boyfriend has gotten involved with someone who is in early recovery herself and is not adhering to the prevailing "rule of thumb" principle, "No (sexually) intimate relationships during the first year of recovery." I consider their relationship to be nothing short of a "house of cards."
The question to ask yourself is what course of action is in your best interests in the face of your boyfriend's apparent lack of judgment or faulty decision-making. Your self-examination could lead you to the realization that you may have made more of your relationship than it was. Depending on how far along you are on your own recovery path, it's quite possible that his behavior, leaving you for this woman he met at an AA meeting, could prove to be a fatal blow to your relationship.
Being resigned "to picking up the pieces like you always do" leaves you in your codependency addiction. Are you on a path of recovery or not? If so, what does that mean to you?
Daniel
Lynn
31st Jan 2012
I'm trying so hard to let go but it's not working. He tells me he loves me, but I guess if he loved me he wouldn't be with this other woman. He tells me I'm his best friend and soulmate, but I'm afaid I'm being used. I'm sure you're correct and that I made more of this relationship than it was. I keep trying to hold on, but he's going to throw me off the cliff because I refuse to jump.
He told me he needs time to figure her out. I figure its time to see if their relationship works and if not than I'm here. I don't know if I'm on a path to recovering or not. I want to let go and I can't.
I've been through three detoxes and one rehab in the last six years with him. He's only drinking on the weekends now because he has to take alcohol tests through the week. His probation is up in May and I'm sure he will start drinking more than. I don't know what to do. I know he doesn't want me anymore.
Daniel LInder, MFT
1st Feb 2012
This is a paradigm shift from the way you relate and conduct yourself in relationships. You're coming from having your self-worth be externally based to becoming more internally based, that is taking care of yourself, operating in your own best interests and depending on yourself primarily for your well-being. When you're depending on the other person or relationship to be okay, you stay attached to an illusion about the other person on relationship, don't see that relationship as not working for you and therefore be unable to get out of an unhealthy relationship, or at least, take space and separate. The question to explore further is what would it take or what has to happen in order for you to dictate the terms of the relationship according to what's best for you. If you don't foresee his commitment to recovery and sobriety and continue in the relationship anyway, you have to be in denial. Any relationship with an addict who is in the throes of an addiction and not in recovery is doomed. You'll be going down with the ship.
Daniel
To view my video blog trainings on this subject, visit: http://relationshipvision.com/blog
Then ask your question below the video as to what came up for you.
Lynn
7th Feb 2012
Thanks for all of your help Daniel. I did view your video blog trainings on this subject and it is so true and really helped me. I keep telling myself that I don't want an alcoholic and all of his baggage that is too much to list. I do love him so and he knows I will do anything for him. I'm trying to be strong. I don't drink or smoke but have gained some weight and I really believe it's not what I'm eating, it's what's eating me. Maybe he doesn't need me anymore since he has her and she will help him the next time. I'm trying real hard every day and it helps so much to read different blogs on the subject from people who have been through this. Thank you.
Ray
9th Apr 2012
For alcoholics, the "cardinal rule" of no relationships in the first year is NOT in the big book. If you want information from the big book, go to pages 69 and 70. "We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct" - page 69, paragraph 1. There's more...just keep reading. That "cardinal rule" is a product of the treatment centers, not A.A. A.A. does not have "cardinal rules".