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How does one demystify sexual attraction?
There may not be a more mystifying phenomenon than sexual attraction. When we are attracted to someone, our perceptions, motivation, thoughts, feelings and behavior are profoundly affected. Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction.
There are three basic components of sexual attraction: what is experienced by our bodies (physical), what is experienced by our emotions (needs), and what is experienced by our imagination; they operate simultaneously and synergistically.
Our Bodies
From a purely physical standpoint, there is nothing mystical or magical about sexual attraction. Feeling attracted is accompanied by bodily arousal, desire, excitement, and pleasure, which are all part of our biological make-up.
Emotions
Similarly, we are born with a wide spectrum of emotional needs. Our need for emotional nourishment is as, if not more, powerful than physical and sexual needs. If our relationships have not and do not provide the requisite emotional nourishment, the need to relieve the resulting frustration will play out in our relationships. Unmet emotional needs get projected onto others, making other people the satisfier of those needs.
There is an unconscious process of objectification that renders us unable to consider other criteria for selecting a partner and for staying in the relationship. We get drawn to others who, for as long as they can, either satisfy unmet emotional needs or serve in some way to relieve our pain. But since unmet emotional needs operate unconsciously, we attribute our interest or desire to other qualities – along the lines of character and compatibility – thus completely deluding ourselves. Problems will naturally arise when unmet emotional needs take hold. This happens when one or the other’s needs change, or when one (for any reason) stops satisfying the other’s needs – at which time there is no longer any basis for the relationship.
Imagination
Our imagination is as basic to the human condition as are our physical and emotional needs. Imagination is a healthy and integral part of life; we rely on our imaginations to reduce stress and relieve frustration stemming from unmet physical and emotional needs. However, we aren’t always aware of when our imagination is operating. When we’re unaware, fantasy and reality can become indistinguishable and interchangeable, and imagination can easily become a substitute for the real thing.
Sexual attraction occurs on both conscious and unconscious levels, blends together both physical and emotional experiences, and can be both real and imagined. The overall effect is synergistic; that is, every component enhances the others. Physical arousal is compelling enough by itself; it is conscious and real. When it is combined with the power of unconscious unmet emotional needs and the imagination, it has unlimited mystifying potential.
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About Daniel Linder, MFT
Relationships. I was born with a keen sense about relationships, was always assessing how close and intimate people are with each other. I had a knack for relationships. The importance of relationships cuts to the core of who I am. The combination of clinical training, 25 years of professional experience treating dysfunctional, non-intimate couples and families, as well as rigorous self analysis has given me a lot to work with. I put what seemed to come naturally to me under a microscope in an effort to break the process of building healthy relationships down to concrete essentials: Understanding of Basic Principles, Communication Skills, Self-realization and Intimacy.
michael webster
23rd Nov 2011
I am a married male 65yo, my female friend is single 64yo. We meet 10 years ago quite by accident and within 2 months of spending time together, her knowing i was married, we started a intimate sexual relationship. Not knowing in the beginning it was going to lead toward sexual feelings, we both were very surprized what had happened.
I am having a very difficult time dealing with the lose of a, what i thought, was a very good friend,confidant, sexual partner.
We truly didnt have a lot in common, other than engaging in conversation, and our sexual time together which was very satisfying to both. Our sexual time together made me see a different side of my wife, who by the way has absolutely no sexual drive, other than that she is a wonderful woman.
Her, being single for almost 22 years, and earlier in life having 2 husbands that treated her disrespectfully. We have been close for the past 10 years. I have tried very hard to be there for her through several medical operations, and a fight with cancer for 2 years.
Now she has found a single man that she wants to build a relationship with, and she wants to have a close mate that can be there all the time.
And i find myself not getting to spend the time with her that i want to. Keeping in mind that we have not been sexual active with each other for almost 4 years, from the start of her fight with cancer.
I find my self obsessing, and have actual withdrawal symptoms, the shakes, a nervous stomach, sick to my stomach, not sleeping cannot concentrate, she is on my mind all the time. I feel like i have been abandon, I am not needed to be there for her.
Please advise me to what steps i can take to over come my feeling for her and get on with my life. I have never felt so lost and alone and useless in my 65 years of life. Is there any natural medication, i dont mean drugs, but something to help my body over come the feelings i have?
This is something i just dont know how to handle, and becoming very worried about my emotions, mental health. This is effecting my marriage, which i dont want to lose my wife over an emotional and withdrawal symptons.
Thank You,
michael
Daniel Linder, MFT
26th Nov 2011
An affair is an unlikely proposition from the get go. Chances are it's not going to work out or be a healthy relationship. Affairs, by their very nature, tend to be addictive. Consider carrying on a secret life (and relationship) and the underlying driving force which is to fill up for what's missing. In your case, I get that your marriage is not fulfilling, maybe plateaued and you're not deriving the emotional nourishment you need. Affairs are usually unconscious efforts to get those needs met and/or an escape in the form of the rush, high, excitement of sex. Similar to "being in love," your perceptions get distorted in a one-sided" way, that is, you focus on everything you want to see, while screening out all the other sides. That person becomes a figment of everything that is missing, everything you're parter isn't, not who they are and you're not who you are either. You become a one-sided version of yourself.
The overwhelming majority of affairs are on a collision course. If either of you are busted, you'll be forced to deal with the reality of your lives. Reality will inevitably hit. Either your marriage will improve, you will not be so empty and desperate and be looking to another person or relationship to feel better. Or, you may find another creative outlet that holds greater inspiration potential and nourishment. It's always possible that the person you're involved with may grow and discover untapped resources in themselves get into other healthier, intimate relationships which make them less motivated to continue with you. The level of excitement generally wanes over time.
The exception to the rule is when their is a genuine emotional connection and intimacy that is substantive, that goes beyond sexual excitement or passion. In this situation, both of you will maintain a relationship, if not, the connection. In other words the "affair" becomes a deep, meaningful friend, a highly significant other.
The symptoms you described are consistent with going through emotional withdrawal -- obsessing about her, the shakes, a nervous stomach, sick to my stomach, not sleeping, cannot concentrate. 'I feel like i have been abandoned, I am not needed to be there for her." You were using her to fill a void and you're now you're left with the void, acutely aware of it when you were doing so well keeping yourself distracted from it.
To overcome that feeling and get on with your life, be thankful for all the good times, great memories with her. At some point you would talk with her to say "good bye" or "hello" to the transition that is occurring, the changing status of relationship. Set up some times with your wife for a status update of your marriage, compare notes as to how fulfilled you both feel, what's working, what's not. You don't need drugs. The natural medication is communication and connection with yourself and others.